Here’s a fun list of absurd alcohol laws from across the U.S. of A.. Some I suspect are dubious. But among the better-sourced entries:

After Michael O’Neil opened O’Neil’s Saloon, he was promptly informed by the state liquor authority that he was breaking the law by using the word “saloon.” He complied by changing the “S” into a “B,” thus making it O’Neil’s Baloon.

The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BAFT) bans the word “refreshing” to describe any alcohol beverage.

A young adult college student studying in Italy can’t have a glass of Chianti with dinner, according to the Drug Free Schools and Campuses Act. Students under the age of 21 are prohibited by the federal government from conforming to the drinking laws and customs of the countries in which they are studying. This, of course, is contrary to the educational goals underlying international education or study abroad programs.

Anyone under the age of 21 who takes out household trash containing even a single empty alcohol beverage container can be charged with illegal possession of alcohol in Missouri.

An owner or employee of an establishment in Iowa that sells alcohol can’t legally consume a drink there after closing for business.

It’s illegal in New Jersey for parents to give their children under the age of 18 even a sip of alcohol.

And to bring it all full-circle, there’s this:

Mark Phillips of Alexandria, Virginia, was arrested for selling a single bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild wine to an undercover agent in an Alcohol Beverage Control (ABC) board sting.

Phillips, as leader of a local wine club had agreed to post the offer on the club’s web site on behalf of a member of the diplomatic service who needed to dispose of that bottle and a few others in preparation for an overseas tour of duty for the United States.

In making the arrest, ABC appeared at Phillips’ house with a dozen armed officers and held the accused and his family under guard while officers searched the house. They threatened to confiscate Phillips’ entire personal wine collection, not just the few bottles he offered for sale on behalf of a friend.

The case was dismissed on a technicality, but had Phillips been convicted of selling alcohol without a liscence, he could have faced one year in jail and a $2,500 fine.

What the hell? That’s two cases I’ve heard about in the last two days of a heavily armed raid by Virginia’s ABC regulators. The scary thing is, because the alcohol control bureaucrats are regulators and not law enforcement, they don’t need a search warrant. And they’re allowed to use hearsay to make their case against you.

Lincoln, Nebraska may start “red-tagging” houses that violate noise ordinances. Quote not to miss:

Caudill got the idea from Tucson, Ariz., where police have the authority to stick red tags on what are considered disorderly houses — or properties where five or more people are gathered or where there’s excessive noise, traffic, obstruction of streets, littering, public drinking, fighting, disturbing the peace or minors drinking alcohol.

Emphasis mine. Maybe the red tags make it easier for the SWAT team to find the house when they’re called out to settle a noise complaint.

A new calandar year means a new spate of stupid-ass laws. Over the next few weeks, we’ll take a virtual tour of the country’s pettiest, silliest, most intrusive, God-awfullest legislation set for either a vote, or set to take effect this month.

We’ll start in New Hampshire:

Remote control toy boats may soon be required to obey the same speed limits as lifesize watercraft. Bonus points to the lawmaker who introduced this one for invoking “the children” in urging its enactment.

Another bill would make the pumpkin the state’s official fruit. Bonus points here because the lawmaker got the idea from a child.

One bill would make slavery a state crime in Massachusetts. Thank goodness!

Another bill would ban “Internet hunting,” where “hunters link their computers to remotely controlled guns. The ranch would attract deer or other wildlife to the area and, for a fee, hunters could shoot them by clicking a mouse.”

Rep. Richard Morris of Seabrook wants to require elementary schools to teach proverbs.

Rep. Clifford Newton of Rochester wants judges to be able to suspend your driver’s license if you get caught littering and fail to pay the fine.

Rep. Lars Christiansen of Hudson wants to set minimum ages for babysitters and charge parents with child endangerment if they hire underage babysitters.

Rep. Peter Schmidt of Dover proposes that New Hampshire set clocks ahead by two hours for daylight savings time instead of just one.

Live free or die, New Hampshire!

A Missouri state legislator wants to prohibit the sale of cold beer. More disturbing is where he got the idea:

He said the idea came from a fifth-grade student in Jefferson County who was participating in a program to teach elementary students about state government. He sought their suggestions for new laws and chose the cold beer ban from a list of the top three ideas.

[...]

Last year, a fourth-grade class from Kansas City submitted a proposal to make the American bullfrog the state amphibian. It passed in the final moments of the 2005 legislative session.

Alter said the jump from naming state animals to restricting how alcohol can be purchased didn’t really surprise him.

“You never know what’s on the mind of young kids - some of them are pretty smart,” he said.

Prince George’s County, Maryland recently broke its annual homicide record.

So it’s kinda odd that police are making a special effort to target and ticket people who leave their cars idling to warm them up in the morning.

Thanks to Jason LaFond for the tip.

It is illegal in Ohio to pretend a substance is an illicit drug, even if it isn’t, and even if the pretend substance was never intended for sale or disbribution.

This absurd law comes to our attention after two elementary school students were arrested for pretending a bag of parsley was marijuana. They didn’t try to sell it. They didn’t give it to other students. They merely pretended, in front of classmates, that it was marijuana.

They were arrested, charged, and booked before being released to their parents. They’ve been suspended from school and ordered to attend drug education programs.

Nicholas Schweitzer dives deep into the bureaucracy at the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, and finds some obscure permit requirements. My favorite:

It shall be unlawful for any person, except licensed bait dealers to have in possession or under control more than 600 minnows at any time. A licensed bait dealer must be present while employees are collecting bait and the licensed bait dealer must have their license available for inspection.

“So what are you in for?”

“Minnows.”

Protecting consumers from low prices:

KARE 11 compared prices at two Wal-Mart stores that are ten miles apart. One is in Hudson, Wisconsin. The other is in Woodbury, Minnesota.

Here’s what we found:

A portable DVD player selling for $68 in Woodbury, cost $83 in Hudson.

A TV selling for $98 in Woodbury, cost $129 in Hudson.

A $398 personal computer in Woodbury was almost $100 cheaper than its Hudson twin.

And a laptop that cost $398 in Woodbury, cost $632 in Hudson. That’s a difference of $234 for the exact same computer.

How’s that?

The answer dates all the way back to 1939, when Wisconsin lawmakers passed the Unfair Sales Act. That state law says it’s illegal for retailers to sell items below cost. It’s supposed to ensure a competitive marketplace.

Lots of states have these laws, particularly when it comes to gasoline. And many of them were passed quite a bit more recently than 1939.

Queens proposes a law against paved front yards.

West Virginia bans grain alcohol. The quotes are priceless.

est Virginia’s alcohol board will no longer permit the sale of high-proof grain alcohol, citing safety concerns from college officials who say it is often purchased by students.

The state’s Alcohol Beverage Control Administration said the action against the 190-proof booze, which is 95 percent pure alcohol, was not in response to any specific incidents..

[...]

“It has traditionally been purchased by groups of people, often college students, who are intent on getting very drunk and who suffer serious consequences from a severe hangover to falling victim to sexual assault or even a car crash,” she said.

Lapelle said she was unaware of any such incidents involving grain alcohol among students at Marshall…

[...]

“It’s a decent move, or it was,” said Phyllis Hitchcock, manager of Classic Liquors in Huntington, Marshall’s home. “But the biggest sale of it was for labs and stuff. It’s used as a cleaning solvent.”

[...]

“We applaud their efforts to try to reduce the negative consequences of the consumption of grain alcohol,” said WVU spokeswoman Becky Lofstead.

But Lofstead said she, too, could recall no specific episodes blamed on grain alcohol abuse.

So to prevent college students from abusing grain alcohol, we’re going to ban it from everyone, even though we can’t think of a single incident in which college students have actually abused grain alcohol.

Chicago Tribune columnist calls for a $1,000 fee to own dogs over 15 pounds.

For the children, of course.

I’ve mocked one Michigan lawmaker who, while pushing for a bill that would require Internet dating services to perform background checks on customers, said that government is responsible for protecting us from “heartache.”

New York now lowers the bar, with its “Dating Service Consumer Bill of Rights.”

Via.

Cynthia McKinney brings us H.R. 4210, the “Tupac Amaru Shakur Records Collection Act of 2005.”

Up next, congressional subcommittee hearings will get to the bottom of the East Coast vs. West Coast debate once and for all. And NIH will look into if the popularity of 1980s phenoms the Fat Boys is responsible for the rise in obesity rates among African-Americans.

(Thanks to Jason LaFond for the tip.)

Indiana: A resolution against racy Abercrombie & Fitch t-shirts.

This one needs no comment:

A state lawmaker and St. Louis baseball fan says umpires should pay — literally — for what he sees as bad calls made during the playoff series in which the Cardinals lost to the Houston Astros.

Rep. Jeff Roorda, D-Barnhart, wants to expand the state athlete and entertainer tax to also cover officials such as umpires and referees. The tax is charged to out-of-state residents who earn money in Missouri while performing in such events as baseball games and concerts. Revenues are supposed to go to the arts, public libraries and other cultural programs.

Roorda said his idea grew out of his frustration with umpires in the National League Championship Series.

Thanks to Jonathan Wood for the tip.

Connecticut has banned Christmas-themed beer. For the children.

I like that the beer company also has a variety of brew called “Santa’s Butt.”

Thanks to Jacob Grier for the tip.

Rome bans goldfish bowls, calling them “cruel”. PETA, celebrating last year when Monza, Italy passed a similar law, reached deep into the irony bag to quote a bill sponsor who claimed the “bowls give fish ‘a distorted view of reality.’” Oh, and Turin, Italy recently passed a law imposing up to a $600 fine on dog owners who do not walk their pets at least three times each day.

(Obvious props to the proprietor here for use of the recurring headline.)

New Mexico lawmaker trying to make dogowners criminally liable for the actions of their pets gets attacked by a dog.

His own dog.

The Arlington chapter of the Virginia Alcoholic Beverage Commission has banned beer pong.

Whoa.

Republican lawmakers are drafting new legislation that will make marriage a requirement for motherhood in the state of Indiana, including specific criminal penalties for unmarried women who do become pregnant “by means other than sexual intercourse.”

According to a draft of the recommended change in state law, every woman in Indiana seeking to become a mother throu gh assisted reproduction therapy such as in vitro fertilization, sperm donation, and egg donation, must first file for a “petition for parentage” in their local county probate court.

Only women who are married will be considered for the “gestational certificate” that must be presented to any doctor who facilitates the pregnancy. Further, the “gestational certificate” will only be given to married couples that successfully complete the same screening process currently required by law of adoptive parents.

The Hoosier state, doing me proud. Thanks to Bronwyn Ramey for the tip.