So. It Has Come To This.

Friday, July 6th, 2012

The scene is a security screening station at Los Angeles International Airport, August 2012.

Screening Officer Jules: Greetings, prospective passengers! Looking to travel through the public airways? Now don’t be distressed! You know who we are? We’re associates of your Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano. You do remember your Secretary of Homeland Security, don’t you? Let me take a look at our boarding roster. You’re Brett, right?

Brett: Yeah.

Screening Officer Jules: Just like it said on the ticket! You remember your Homeland Security Secretary, don’t you Brett?

Brett: I’m sorry?

Screening Officer Jules: Looks like me and Security Sergeant Vincent caught you citizens having breakfast! Sorry about that. Whatcha having?

Brett: Hamburgers.

Screening Officer Jules: Hamburgers, the cornerstone of any nutritious pre-flight meal! Did you declare the origin of these hamburgers on your pre-boarding manifest, citizen?

Brett: Pre-boarding manifest?

Screening Officer Jules: Where’d you get them? McDonald’s? Jack in the Box? Wendy’s? Where?

Brett: Big Kahuna Burger.

Screening Officer Jules: Big Kahuna Burger! That’s that Hawaiian burger joint! Can you produce a declaration that the cattle from which these hamburgers were butchered originated in the continental United States, excluding Alaska, and did not travel to foreign jurisdictions within ten years preceding August 1, 2002  so as to be guaranteed free of bovine spongiform encepalopathy?

Brett: Excuse me?

Screening Officer Jules: Mind if I try yours? This is yours right? Mmmmm, this is a tasty burger! Security Sergeant Vincent, ever have a Big Kahuna Burger? Would you like to test these for bovine spongiform encepalopathy and other biohazards? They’re real tasty.

Security Sergeant Vincent: Ain’t hungry.

Screening Officer Jules: Well, if you like testing burgers for hazardous materials give these a try sometime. I can’t usually get ’em myself because of Screening Officer Fitness Directive B-73, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian. But I do love the taste of a good burger. Hey, you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese at Kennedy International?

Brett: No.

Screening Officer Jules: Tell him Security Sergeant Vincent.

Security Sergeant Vincent: Forbidden biohazard contraband as prohibited by the Food Export Convention of 2006.

Screening Officer Jules: Forbidden biohazard contraband as prohibited by the Food Export Convention of 2006! You know why?

Brett: Because of the Food Export Convention of 2006?

Screening Officer Jules: Check out the big brain on Brett! You’re a well-informed citizen! The Food Export Convention of 2006. What’s in this?

Brett: Sprite.

Screening Officer Jules: You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down?

Brett: Since when do you …?

Screening Officer Jules: Excuse me citizen, new guidelines require that we test this Sprite for explosives and volatile compounds. … <slurps>

Screening Officer Jules: Mmmmm. That hit the spot. … Now Brett, what does Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano look like?

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48 Responses to “So. It Has Come To This.”

  1. #1 |  UCrawford | 

    Ummm, isn’t Janet Napolitano in charge of Homeland Security and Sebelius in charge of Health and Human Services?

  2. #2 |  UCrawford | 

    Otherwise, I like the Pulp Fiction reference. :)

  3. #3 |  Patrick from Popehat | 

    Yep, momentary brain malfunction.

  4. #4 |  Thoreau | 

    You, my friend, are officially the Internet Winner Of All Time.

  5. #5 |  The internet has officially been won. We can all close our browsers and get back to work. § Unqualified Offerings | 

    […] with us even more than they already were. So one of Radley’s guest bloggers has decided to win the internet once and for all. Posted by Thoreau @ 1:38 pm, Filed under: Main Comments (0) « « I should change my […]

  6. #6 |  marco73 | 

    Thank you for stopping before getting to the part about what does Janet Napolitano look like. Some people are still on lunchtime.

  7. #7 |  Cornellian | 

    Bonus points for the title “so, it has come to this.”

  8. #8 |  Nick | 

    That wasn’t a link to the Onion. That was supposed to link to an Onion story. We’re all fucked.

  9. #9 |  Robert | 

    You want a sip of my drink? Here you go! Oh damn! Sorry about that! I’m sure that’ll come right out in the wash.

  10. #10 |  bear | 


  11. #11 |  mmrtnt | 

    Screening Officer Jules! I’ve perfected odorless flatulence. Wait. Not that one.

  12. #12 |  Learn New TSA Procedure Via Pulp Fiction | 

    […] because TSA are assholes. So what better way to learn about the new security procedure than thru an adaptation of the Jules Kahuna Burger scene from Pulp Fiction. You mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this […]

  13. #13 |  Well, That Put Me In My Place | Popehat | 

    […] Well, That Put Me In My Place Jul 6, 2012 By Ken. Irksome Over at The Agitator, Patrick shows me how a TSA post is done. […]

  14. #14 |  Bronwyn | 

    Nick, my thoughts exactly.

    “You know I’m always glad my safety is a priority… ” UGH!

  15. #15 |  Al V | 

    If I have to endure TSA backwash then I will not buy beverages in the airport. Screw them and their $3.49 20 oz beverages.

  16. #16 |  ShelbyC | 

    Does she look like a bitch?

  17. #17 |  Mia | 

    Ha ha! I see what you did there!

  18. #18 |  Luke | 

    @ShelbyC Actually…yes. Yes she does.

  19. #19 |  L to the D | 

    “Screw them and their $3.49 20 oz beverages.”


  20. #20 |  John David Galt | 

    Too wimpy. Amy Alkon stood up to them the right way.

  21. #21 |  Brian V. | 

    This used to be–like, last week–a very good website.

  22. #22 |  Connie | 

    Approved Vocabulary Guidelines JH76ii revision 3.56, citizen, DO YOU SPEAK IT?

  23. #23 |  Yizmo Gizmo | 

    Wow, you really do surrender every natural right once you
    step inside that airport. Meanwhile TSA goons continue
    to get in more trouble with the law than travellers.
    What’s wrong with this picture??

  24. #24 |  Patrick from Popehat | 

    “This used to be–like, last week–a very good website.”

    If you hit the tip jar hard enough, Radley will come back! Til then, you’re stuck with us, poor puppy.

  25. #25 |  Jag | 

    “You can have a drink…..”


    “… but don’t worry about these lip sores”

  26. #26 |  JFC | 

    “Momentary brain malfunction”?!? That whole entry makes no sense, not even ironically or sarcastically.

    Hope Radley’s other fill-ins do better.

  27. #27 |  ShelbyC | 

    @Luke Er, so… that’s why you’re trying to fuck her like one?

  28. #28 |  Ken from Popehat | 

    Jesus. Even I got the reference immediately, and I’m culturally illiterate.

  29. #29 |  Al | 

    SPOLERS: It’s a Reservoir Dogs reference.

  30. #30 |  Elliot | 

    Well, let’s not start sucking each other’s straws quite yet.

    Get some actors who resemble the originals (or a more rotund version, to fit with the TSA motif) and put this up on YouTube and you’ve got a pandemic-level viral video.

  31. #31 |  firehat | 

    I see that SERIOUS PEOPLE don’t like Tarantino movies.

  32. #32 |  Steve Verdon | 

    Screening Officer Jules: Mmmmm. That hit the spot. … Now Brett, what does Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano look like?

    A stupid cunt?

  33. #33 |  James Hare | 

    Good job bringing out all the misogynists! You’ve given feminists a bunch more ammo in the fight to prove all libertarians are misogynist men with the number of totally unnecessary misogynist smears.

  34. #34 |  James D | 

    For the record Patrick from Popehat, I think you ‘fill-ins’ are doing just fine … not sure where all the hate is coming from. I prefer plenty of humor in Radley’s posts … otherwise this site is just downright depressing.

  35. #35 |  DPirate | 

    I found this so much a waste of my time that I feel compelled to waste my time telling you that.

  36. #36 |  Pete | 

    Nice post, Patrick. Next challenge … turn Driving Miss Daisy into a commentary about Puppycide. :)

  37. #37 |  Personanongrata | 

    Next up Auntie Janet and the blueshirters want all citizens to speak swedish and wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes while at the airport. (Thanks Woody Allen)

  38. #38 |  SPQR | 

    Almost as funny as the video of “Jules” as Chris Chelios junior league hockey coach.

  39. #39 |  Other Sean | 

    James Hare #33,

    I never thought of it that way before, but you’re right! We should make the libertarian movement into a giant humorless bore just in case that gives us a better chance of appealing to a tiny faction of mostly socialist academics who teach in women studies departments while fighting to ban speech and smash what little is left of the intent requirement* in our legal system. (Oh, we would call it “mens” rea, now wouldn’t we?)

    I can hardly think of a more logical place to go looking for converts…or dates!

  40. #40 |  Xenocles | 

    I like the way “citizen” has become an epithet.

  41. #41 |  Jeff | 

    If terrorists created some chatter on the movieLive Wire, in which humans drink a beverage that turns them into time bombs, would the TSA stop letting anyone board a plane?

  42. #42 |  (B)oscoH, Yogurt Eater | 

    No worries for me. No TSA agent will come over and jack my yogurt.

    TSA Agent Kaffee: I want the yogurt!
    Me: You can’t handle the yogurt. Son, we live in a world with few balls, and those balls have to be grown by men who eat yogurt. Who’s gonna do it? You?

  43. #43 |  the innominate one | 

    *high fives Patrick*

  44. #44 |  Z | 

    Bosco(H), I am the yoghurt’s father.

  45. #45 |  Tam | 

    Oh, Patrick, you are the wind beneath my wings.

  46. #46 |  SayUncle » TSA Stuff | 

    […] Taking beverages at the gate. And a funny read. […]

  47. #47 |  mojo | 

    “Say ‘what?’ AGAIN, Citizen! I dare you!”

  48. #48 |  khaboh | 

    I just had an annoying experience in hospital with a “drink” called “Golytely” – easy enough to figure out without details. I’m loading a Coke bottle with it if I ever fly again. -IF-