Panicky News Story of the Day: Smoking Smarties

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

I guess this is national, not local. Which makes it all the more ridiculous. Note that no one is actually smoking anything.

Up next: “A warning for parents in these winter months. As your children exhale into the cold air, they could be pretending the resulting cloud of vapor is cigarette smoke!


Digg it |  reddit | |  Fark

33 Responses to “Panicky News Story of the Day: Smoking Smarties”

  1. #1 |  nobody | 

    This is from The Onion, right? I mean, it must. Please God it must.

  2. #2 |  K | 

    I like how they just proceed to make another demonstration video

  3. #3 |  CyniCAl | 

    Amerika has reached the terminal stage.

  4. #4 |  Jerith | 

    That headline is great… fuming. “The parents are fuming because, like raiding the liquor cabinet, the kids are stealing their smokes.”

    “Ooohh! Smoking Smarties! Not smoking parties.”

    Wonder if Mentos does the same.

  5. #5 |  Bad Medicine | 

    I love that the Pediatrician says “the sugar (in the lungs) is the least of their worries”. So, basically, even if you did inhale sugar and cough it up, it’s not going to cause health problems, and the *real* story is that we’re scared $#!+less about is that you might later decide to do something unhealthy that we don’t agree with…

  6. #6 |  PeeDub | 

    This is not a *new* fad.

  7. #7 |  CyniCAl | 

    Meanwhile, cigarettes and alcohol, responsible for millions of deaths, are still legal, while marijuana, responsible for no deaths (from consumption), is illegal.

    If you haven’t figured out by now that no one is interesting in “solving” anything, then you’re beyond hope.

    Of course, the corollary to that statement is that the system is working perfectly.

  8. #8 |  Marc | 

    Like #6 said, this has been around for a while. Pretty sure arch-news-reporter Daniel Tosh covered this on one of his shows a year or more ago.

  9. #9 |  Balloon Maker | 

    When smarties are outlawed…. ah screw it.

  10. #10 |  CyniCAl | 

    Thought I’d share some good news (and yes, I think it is good news):

  11. #11 |  Kevin Huynh | 

    LOL. I remember doing this when I was in 6th grade (11 years old).. I’m 22 now. We didn’t even inhale, ‘smoke’ stayed in the mouth and we blew it back out to pretend we were ‘adults’ hahaha

  12. #12 |  Maggie McNeill | 

    When is somebody going to do a video on the health risks caused by the emotional stress generated in the minds of gullible parents by irresponsible news scare stories like this one?

  13. #13 |  (B)oscoH | 

    Yeah, her kids are good kids. Here’s what I know about parents who think their kids are so smart and angelic. They’re hellions, and they’re only exceptional at not getting caught.

  14. #14 |  karl | 

    #1’s response was the perfect reaction. I’m a full-bore nanny-stater but this is ridiculous.

  15. #15 |  Bob | 

    That’s so lightweight.

    If you’re not freebasing Smarties and mainlining it directly, you just aren’t getting high.

  16. #16 |  Chicago Sucks | 


    Bah! Freebase? I inject my smarties

  17. #17 |  Brooks | 

    In 5th grade my friends and I chopped up smarties and snorted them like coke. That’s what the War on Drugs taught us. That’s the fastest way to get sugar into your bloodstream.

  18. #18 |  Jman | 

    Unbelievable! I used to buy candy cigarettes when I was a kid in the 50’s and you could do the same thing. Big f’kin deal!

    Man WTF kind of society have we created that the stupid parents go off the deep end over this?

  19. #19 |  Jerith | 

    #18 – I know what you are talking about. Had Cowboys and other masculine imagery. You could blow into one and it would push the powdered sugar out.

    They even had to remove the red end of the Popeye *Candy* sticks. I think you can still find those licorice cigars and pipes.

  20. #20 |  Helmut O' Hooligan | 

    #2 K: “I like how they just proceed to make another demonstration video”

    Exactly. Jesus Christ, if these twits really think this is such a problem, why show the wee ones how to smoke their dreaded smarties.

    And pre-smoking behavior! WTF, like pre-crime. Why don’t you just put your kids in a protective bubble already and get it over with.

  21. #21 |  Helmut O' Hooligan | 

    #10 CyniCAL:

    I’ll agree with that. I think it is better for their future health and public safety that they are smoking a relatively benign plant instead of drinking ETOH.

    A then there is this gem from the story:
    “A Drug Enforcement Administration emergency order banning the sale of five chemicals used in herbal blends to make synthetic marijuana took effect March 1. The synthetics are among the many that would be banned under a bill passed in the U.S. House earlier this month. Many states also have their own laws banning the sale of synthetic marijuana.”

    Fuckin’ DEA. Fuckin’ government in general is a one trick pony when it comes to (certain) drugs! Ban, ban, ban. Gee, maybe if real marijuana was legal, people would not constantly be inventing these synthetic substances in their labs. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Believing that bans on drugs will work is like believing that a ban on thunderstorms will work. You are trying to fight against nature.

  22. #22 |  Onlooker | 

    Oh my God! Hide the kids! This is an emergency. Must ban those evil Smarties (as one pin head principal apparently has).


  23. #23 |  Onlooker | 

    And yes, it really could have come from the Onion.

  24. #24 |  jorgeborges | 

    When you smoke your Smarties do you smoke the red ones last?

    I also remember crushing candy and snorting it, but it was easier to just use Pixie Stix.

  25. #25 |  Alan | 

    #18 My wife just informed me that she has connections to get cany cigarettes. I promised I wouldn’t rat out her source.

  26. #26 |  brainiac-dumdum | 

    To be fair, I am a pretty hot smartie.

  27. #27 |  FloO | 

    “Due to the potential danger, I have made it clear that posession of Smarties (or similar candy) will result in a class II offense.”

    LOL! Notice that just having the wrong kind of candy is the crime, not even the “smoking” of it.

    When I started High School, you could cross the street to go to McDonald’s, the “bad” kids were allowed to smoke with a parent’s letter, and nobody died.

    By the time I graduated, cops were taking drug dogs up and down the halls, stepping off the property at any time would probably get you arrested, and possessing cigarettes or even aspirin would get you suspended.

    This happened in just a few years in the Eighties.

  28. #28 |  RoMan | 

    None of this would have happened if they hadn’t outlawed candy cigarettes!

  29. #29 |  Stick | 

    Has anyone seen the film ‘Idiocracy’ by Mike Judge? I’m beginning to think it wasn’t a comedy, but a prophecy.

  30. #30 |  Boyd Durkin | 

    I’m sitting here, with my face covered in a sugary powder and what looks like red make-up smeared across my underwear, buzzed slightly by the slow realization that I may have a problem. The last thing I remember is getting a “dime bag” ($10) of Smarties at Walgreens and methodically crushing them up and “smoking” them.

    The pants-less clown in my kitchen isn’t making me feel any better.

  31. #31 |  Big A | 

    #14 karl- maybe you’re not as full bore as you think.

  32. #32 |  CK | 

    The pantless clown is really a TSA agent. You are not allowed to soar above the mundanes without first being groped.

  33. #33 |  Gullible’s Travels « The Honest Courtesan | 

    […] pedophilia, rainbow parties, rape, “sex addiction”, “sex buyers”, “sexting”, smoking Smarties, strawberry-flavored methamphetamine, violent video games, vodka-soaked tampons or gummy bears, or […]