Announcing: TheAgitator.com’s Most Hysterical Local News Report Competition

Monday, December 5th, 2011

We may need a catchier title.

But in light of the recent, positively ridiculous i-dosing and vodka-soaked tampon stories, I thought it might be fun to scrounge up all the lazy, absurd, hysteria-promoting local news stories we can find, then vote ourselves a couple winners for a public shaming. Bonus points for particularly lazy reporting, re-reporting old stories that have already been debunked (see i-Dosing), reporting well-known urban legends as news, and reporting on some new “trend” without actually finding anyone who has engaged in it.

Email me your nominees, or leave links in the comments section. The reports could be from any year, so long as there’s video.

We’ll kick things off with one of my all-time favorites.

 

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35 Responses to “Announcing: TheAgitator.com’s Most Hysterical Local News Report Competition”

  1. #1 |  Dennis | 

    Pedobear in New Mexico.

  2. #2 |  derfel cadarn | 

    From this video it now seems that shitting will be by permit only and only in government sanctioned locations. As the White House and Capitol Building have throughout our history have been used for this purpose I contend that that tradition continue and invite ALL Americans to make this their primary depository of this mind altering drug. After all it is for the children. I wonder if anyone will notice?

  3. #3 |  Andrew S. | 

    Stupid local channel no longer has on its website one of its “great” investigative reports from a few years back. Shame. Was a good one. Pedophiles could be using the chat feature on the Nintendo DS to lure your children!

  4. #4 |  Reggie Hubbard | 

    Jenkem Gangster: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJ5U22ZR5rQ

  5. #5 |  Kristen | 

    “Butthash”. Awesome!

  6. #6 |  CyniCAl | 

    Let’s throw a couple of fictional news stories in and see if anyone can tell the real from the bullshit.

  7. #7 |  Difster | 

    A few name suggestions:
    1) Lewz At 11:00 Awards
    2) The Idiot File Tournament
    3) Brokeback Reporting Contest
    4) Much Ado About Nothing Awards
    5)The Gulli Bull Awards (think of Bugs Bunny saying, “What a gulli bull!”)

  8. #8 |  Brent | 

    LOL, Jack Miller is now an anchorman here in Cedar Rapids, Iowa on KGAN and Fix 28.

    http://www.kgan.com/sections/station/news_team/#Jack_Miller

  9. #9 |  Marty | 

    ‘Butthash’! my vocabulary has expanded… this will get used!

  10. #10 |  FloO | 

    So having a really bad case of diarrhea could make you a drug kingpin.

  11. #11 |  (B)oscoH | 

    “And at this point, it’s not even clear whether jenkum could even be considered to be… illegal.”

    Yeah, keep us posted on that.

  12. #12 |  Aresen | 

    It’s gotta be the “Chicken Little Award”.

  13. #13 |  Some guy | 

    Just in case people didn’t know it was a hoax:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenkem

  14. #14 |  ric_in_or | 

    dihydrogen monoxide

    I don’t have a link, but it comes around, again, and again …
    http://www.jerrypournelle.com/view/2011/Q1/view666.html#dihmo

    Halley’s Award – like the comet – it comes back and every time with fresh panic and hysteria.

  15. #15 |  Vinny F. | 

    How about the “Holy Moly Pisspants Awards?”

  16. #16 |  Player1 | 

    naw, butt hash is a dried dingleberry that has been pressed between the cheeks and is then sold to stupid, gullable college students

  17. #17 |  HV | 

    Man, there doesn’t seem to be any video accompanying this report but this is one of my all-time favorites – http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,269532,00.html

  18. #18 |  Dan | 

    Well that didn’t take long, just had to open my browser – no video with this article but this certainly qualifies.

    New study warning: Violent video games change boys brains

    http://mynorthwest.com/?nid=11&sid=588483

  19. #19 |  Judas Peckerwood | 

    The Virtual Butthash Award

  20. #20 |  chichichichia | 

    @#14,
    A computer science professor has created a great dihydrogen monoxide website that looks a bit like some of the USEPA contaminant pages:

    http://www.dhmo.org/

  21. #21 |  MikeZ | 

    Heh,
    I read the text for this post and immediately thought I know the perfect clip I just need to remember the term for the drug made from sewer gas. So without looking at the attached news clip and google sewer gas drug. Which promptly takes me to Jenkem and your clip.

  22. #22 |  Stephen | 

    Seems like I remember reading about some kind of mushroom where people would drink the piss of the person who ate the mushroom and get higher than the person who ate the mushrooms.

    I think I can pass on that kind of high.

  23. #23 |  FloO | 

    Jenkem…keep your toilet updated, plumbing in working order, and flush promtply…you know, for the children.

  24. #24 |  Roho | 

    From Argentina, we have the very worrisome Grog XD:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP5bR1o-elg

    Synopsis: The original Secret of Monkey Island game by LucasArts had some pirates drinking Grog. When queried about the recipe, the pirates listed such unsavory components as kerosene, axle grease, and sulphuric acid (which became a plot point later, when you would use the grog to melt a lock). Very tongue-in-cheek, very much in the style of humor of the old LucasArts games. And if anyone’s cross that I spoiled the solution to a puzzle, I think we’re well past the statute of limitations – the game itself is now old enough to legally drink in the US ;)

    Fast forward to 2009; some folks are tossing around drink recipes on Facebook, and one posts the recipe for ‘Grog’ from Monkey Island. To indicate that this is a non-serious recipe, they use the XD emoticon to express high levels of amusement. Of course, your average alarmist news team has no idea what a game, Monkey Island, or an emoticon is, beyond something to be terrified of. Thus, they decry the dangers of this dangerous sounding ‘Grog XD’ concoction.

    Postscript – In Tales of Monkey Island (came out after the incident), there’s a Grog vending machine that offers Grog XD.

  25. #25 |  ClubMedSux | 

    I would call it the Lovejoy Award, after my favorite fictional queen of hysterics, Helen Lovejoy (“Won’t SOMEBODY think of the children???).

  26. #26 |  Erik | 

    Booze-soaked gummy bears. I don’t know if this will meet the criteria because it seems they actually have an interview of some kid who has apparently engaged in this. What’s so absurd is that the report strongly infers that, if not for the candy, the kids wouldn’t be ingesting the booze they’ve obviously already acquired.

    http://www.abc-7.com/story/16091083/2011/11/21/boozy-bears-the-treat-tricking-parents

  27. #27 |  Flight 714 | 

    @24 Roho

    Follow-up news reports will crack the increased sitings of two-headed monkeys and sinister characters who claim to be “selling these fine leather jackets”

  28. #28 |  markm | 

    I think it’s time to revive the dihydrogen monoxide hysteria. Two starting points:

    DHMO has killed more people than cannabis. It is used in the manufacturing of crystal meth.

    DHMO is frequently used in porn shoots. Right this minute, somewhere in your own community, a naked child is immersed in liquid DHMO.

  29. #29 |  Panicky Local News Stories, Ct’d . . . | The Agitator | 

    […] Prior nominee, description of contest here. […]

  30. #30 |  marco73 | 

    I ‘ve seen this one occasionally on our local news: Parents allowing teens to have sex at home, so the teens don’t get into “trouble”
    Good Morning America even took the bait on this one:
    http://abcnews.go.com/US/parents-teens-sex-family-home/story?id=13898548

  31. #31 |  Sean L. | 

    Q: Why do they call it ‘butt hash’?

    A: Because ‘ass crack’ was already taken.

  32. #32 |  Dick Clark | 

    Is anyone vetting these stories?http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/jenkem.asp

  33. #33 |  Cesar | 

    http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/jenkem.asp

  34. #34 |  markm | 

    Does anyone else remember George Carlin’s bit about a narcotics cop who didn’t know that “shit” was a street name for marijuana? The jenkem hysteria sounds like it comes from someone who never got the joke…

  35. #35 |  Gullible’s Travels « The Honest Courtesan | 

    […] latest lies about domestic violence, Emo, “Grog XD”, “human trafficking”, “iDosing”, “jenkem”, pedophilia, rainbow parties, rape, “sex addiction”, “sex buyers”, “sexting”, […]

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