35 Responses to “Announcing: TheAgitator.com’s Most Hysterical Local News Report Competition”

1. #1 |  Dennis |  December 5th, 2011 at 10:42 am

   Pedobear in New Mexico.

2. #2 |  derfel cadarn |  December 5th, 2011 at 10:44 am

   From this video it now seems that shitting will be by permit only and only in government sanctioned locations. As the White House and Capitol Building have throughout our history have been used for this purpose I contend that that tradition continue and invite ALL Americans to make this their primary depository of this mind altering drug. After all it is for the children. I wonder if anyone will notice?

3. #3 |  Andrew S. |  December 5th, 2011 at 11:07 am

   Stupid local channel no longer has on its website one of its “great” investigative reports from a few years back. Shame. Was a good one. Pedophiles could be using the chat feature on the Nintendo DS to lure your children!

4. #4 |  Reggie Hubbard |  December 5th, 2011 at 11:14 am

   Jenkem Gangster: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJ5U22ZR5rQ

5. #5 |  Kristen |  December 5th, 2011 at 11:26 am

   “Butthash”. Awesome!

6. #6 |  CyniCAl |  December 5th, 2011 at 11:45 am

   Let’s throw a couple of fictional news stories in and see if anyone can tell the real from the bullshit.

7. #7 |  Difster |  December 5th, 2011 at 11:48 am

   A few name suggestions:
   1) Lewz At 11:00 Awards
   2) The Idiot File Tournament
   3) Brokeback Reporting Contest
   4) Much Ado About Nothing Awards
   5)The Gulli Bull Awards (think of Bugs Bunny saying, “What a gulli bull!”)

8. #8 |  Brent |  December 5th, 2011 at 12:10 pm

   LOL, Jack Miller is now an anchorman here in Cedar Rapids, Iowa on KGAN and Fix 28.

   http://www.kgan.com/sections/station/news_team/#Jack_Miller

9. #9 |  Marty |  December 5th, 2011 at 12:21 pm

   ‘Butthash’! my vocabulary has expanded… this will get used!

10. #10 |  FloO |  December 5th, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    So having a really bad case of diarrhea could make you a drug kingpin.

11. #11 |  (B)oscoH |  December 5th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    “And at this point, it’s not even clear whether jenkum could even be considered to be… illegal.”

    Yeah, keep us posted on that.

12. #12 |  Aresen |  December 5th, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    It’s gotta be the “Chicken Little Award”.

13. #13 |  Some guy |  December 5th, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Just in case people didn’t know it was a hoax:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenkem

14. #14 |  ric_in_or |  December 5th, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    dihydrogen monoxide

    I don’t have a link, but it comes around, again, and again …
    http://www.jerrypournelle.com/view/2011/Q1/view666.html#dihmo

    Halley’s Award – like the comet – it comes back and every time with fresh panic and hysteria.

15. #15 |  Vinny F. |  December 5th, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    How about the “Holy Moly Pisspants Awards?”

16. #16 |  Player1 |  December 5th, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    naw, butt hash is a dried dingleberry that has been pressed between the cheeks and is then sold to stupid, gullable college students

17. #17 |  HV |  December 5th, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Man, there doesn’t seem to be any video accompanying this report but this is one of my all-time favorites – http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,269532,00.html

18. #18 |  Dan |  December 5th, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Well that didn’t take long, just had to open my browser – no video with this article but this certainly qualifies.

    New study warning: Violent video games change boys brains

    http://mynorthwest.com/?nid=11&sid=588483

19. #19 |  Judas Peckerwood |  December 5th, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    The Virtual Butthash Award

20. #20 |  chichichichia |  December 5th, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    @#14,
    A computer science professor has created a great dihydrogen monoxide website that looks a bit like some of the USEPA contaminant pages:

    http://www.dhmo.org/

21. #21 |  MikeZ |  December 5th, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Heh,
    I read the text for this post and immediately thought I know the perfect clip I just need to remember the term for the drug made from sewer gas. So without looking at the attached news clip and google sewer gas drug. Which promptly takes me to Jenkem and your clip.

22. #22 |  Stephen |  December 5th, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Seems like I remember reading about some kind of mushroom where people would drink the piss of the person who ate the mushroom and get higher than the person who ate the mushrooms.

    I think I can pass on that kind of high.

23. #23 |  FloO |  December 5th, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Jenkem…keep your toilet updated, plumbing in working order, and flush promtply…you know, for the children.

24. #24 |  Roho |  December 5th, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    From Argentina, we have the very worrisome Grog XD:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP5bR1o-elg

    Synopsis: The original Secret of Monkey Island game by LucasArts had some pirates drinking Grog. When queried about the recipe, the pirates listed such unsavory components as kerosene, axle grease, and sulphuric acid (which became a plot point later, when you would use the grog to melt a lock). Very tongue-in-cheek, very much in the style of humor of the old LucasArts games. And if anyone’s cross that I spoiled the solution to a puzzle, I think we’re well past the statute of limitations – the game itself is now old enough to legally drink in the US ;)

    Fast forward to 2009; some folks are tossing around drink recipes on Facebook, and one posts the recipe for ‘Grog’ from Monkey Island. To indicate that this is a non-serious recipe, they use the XD emoticon to express high levels of amusement. Of course, your average alarmist news team has no idea what a game, Monkey Island, or an emoticon is, beyond something to be terrified of. Thus, they decry the dangers of this dangerous sounding ‘Grog XD’ concoction.

    Postscript – In Tales of Monkey Island (came out after the incident), there’s a Grog vending machine that offers Grog XD.

25. #25 |  ClubMedSux |  December 5th, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    I would call it the Lovejoy Award, after my favorite fictional queen of hysterics, Helen Lovejoy (“Won’t SOMEBODY think of the children???).

26. #26 |  Erik |  December 5th, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    Booze-soaked gummy bears. I don’t know if this will meet the criteria because it seems they actually have an interview of some kid who has apparently engaged in this. What’s so absurd is that the report strongly infers that, if not for the candy, the kids wouldn’t be ingesting the booze they’ve obviously already acquired.

    http://www.abc-7.com/story/16091083/2011/11/21/boozy-bears-the-treat-tricking-parents

27. #27 |  Flight 714 |  December 5th, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    @24 Roho

    Follow-up news reports will crack the increased sitings of two-headed monkeys and sinister characters who claim to be “selling these fine leather jackets”

28. #28 |  markm |  December 6th, 2011 at 7:42 am

    I think it’s time to revive the dihydrogen monoxide hysteria. Two starting points:

    DHMO has killed more people than cannabis. It is used in the manufacturing of crystal meth.

    DHMO is frequently used in porn shoots. Right this minute, somewhere in your own community, a naked child is immersed in liquid DHMO.

29. #29 |  Panicky Local News Stories, Ct’d . . . | The Agitator |  December 6th, 2011 at 9:10 am

    [...] Prior nominee, description of contest here. [...]

30. #30 |  marco73 |  December 6th, 2011 at 10:17 am

    I ‘ve seen this one occasionally on our local news: Parents allowing teens to have sex at home, so the teens don’t get into “trouble”
    Good Morning America even took the bait on this one:
    http://abcnews.go.com/US/parents-teens-sex-family-home/story?id=13898548

31. #31 |  Sean L. |  December 6th, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Q: Why do they call it ‘butt hash’?

    A: Because ‘ass crack’ was already taken.

32. #32 |  Dick Clark |  December 6th, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Is anyone vetting these stories?http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/jenkem.asp

33. #33 |  Cesar |  December 6th, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/jenkem.asp

34. #34 |  markm |  December 6th, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Does anyone else remember George Carlin’s bit about a narcotics cop who didn’t know that “shit” was a street name for marijuana? The jenkem hysteria sounds like it comes from someone who never got the joke…

35. #35 |  Gullible’s Travels « The Honest Courtesan |  September 27th, 2012 at 9:55 pm

    [...] latest lies about domestic violence, Emo, “Grog XD”, “human trafficking”, “iDosing”, “jenkem”, pedophilia, rainbow parties, rape, “sex addiction”, “sex buyers”, “sexting”, [...]

---