Local News Hysteria at Its Finest: Rectal Beer Bongs and Vodka-Soaked Tampons

Friday, November 11th, 2011

 

It’s the scariest thing since iDosing.

Yes, I’m calling bullshit on this story. Beware of any hyped-up local news report that involves teenagers, alcohol, and sex. Throw in the Internet, and this one would have been a sensational local news home run.

Note that the reporter doesn’t talk to a single student, either one who has tried it (which would give the station the opportunity to cover them in shadow and give them that creepy disguised electro-voice), or even one who knows other students who have. The only source for this story is a school cop who claims to have overheard kids talking about it all in the hallway. From this, he concludes that the vodka-soaked tampon trend has infested every school, city, and state in America—it’s “everywhere.” So they put him on TV.

They do at least interview one doctor, but the doctor never says he’s actually seen a student who has done it. He only talks about the possible physiological effects if a student were to try it. A Google News search turns up about a dozen stories . . . and all of them lead back to this one news report out of Arizona.

The “rectal beer funneling” seems particularly silly. High school boys tend to be pretty homophobic. I find it hard to believe there’s an epidemic of them dropping trow at parties, then helping one another pour beer into their rectums. (Logistically, I would think this is more than a one-man job.) Especially when they can just, you know, drink the stuff through their mouths.

According to Snopes, an email circulated about vodka-soaked tampons a couple years ago, and it included a number suspiciously similar details to the news story in the video, including the reasons why students claimed to be doing it.  (To pass breath tests, to drink more without vomiting, etc.) Snopes also finds a couple print reports out of Finland in the late 1990s. Booze-soaked tampons were also featured in a 2008 episode of CSI, and the alcohol-delivery method is apparently also part of a rumor about the Scottish band Mogwai.

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46 Responses to “Local News Hysteria at Its Finest: Rectal Beer Bongs and Vodka-Soaked Tampons”

  1. #1 |  JimBob | 

    But why rely on evidence and facts when OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO PASS A LAW AGAINST THIS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE TEENAGERS ARE SO DIFFERENT AND DANGEROUS THAN WE WERE!?

  2. #2 |  Calvin | 

    The only surprise I found was that this is a CBS affiliate and not FOX.

  3. #3 |  Richard Head | 

    Sweet, pass the Popov, I know what I’m doing tonight.

  4. #4 |  Kerade | 

    There are sooooo many good band names in that story.

  5. #5 |  Michael | 

    I do remember two drunk kids in college in 1981 running around the dorm telling everyone they were going to get even drunker. Their plan was to use a technique they were calling the “anal chug”. I believe it involved beer and a funnel. As you’d expect, I don’t think anyone joined them, and I’m not sure they even did it. But their antics antics that night were legendary and 30 years later I can still hear their chant “Anal Chug, Anal Chug, …”.

  6. #6 |  Rob | 

    This is what passes for “journalism” these days? My old high school journalism teacher would have flunked anyone writing such a load of unsubstantiated crap like that. (Granted, that was 40 years ago, and people still gave a damn back then.)

  7. #7 |  FridayNext | 

    I do recall some years, possibly decades, ago a student at a UMD campus died of alcohol poisoning as part of a fraternity hazing and part of the story was that he was forced to rectally ingest some sort of alcohol. There’s a long way between fraternity hazings, however, and what “normal” people do.

    Plus, I just thought that vodka soaked tampon thing was something Jenna Maroney did, but that was a sit-com. Plus, while I totally doubt this story, if it was on TV you can bet some asshole has tried it somewhere. Individual stupidity, however, does not a trend make.

  8. #8 |  SamK | 

    …anyone shoving alcohol laden anything into a sensitive membrane cavity deserves whatever they get…which is another reason this story is probably BS. I sneezed with a mouthful of tequila once; I couldn’t breathe for so long afterward I almost passed out and my sinuses took days to recover from the pain.

  9. #9 |  Ahcuah | 

    Don’t forget, November is sweeps month. Expect the crazy to come out of TV news.

  10. #10 |  c andrew | 

    Alcohol on sensitive mucus membranes. I’m imagine that’ll sting just a bit.

  11. #11 |  Marty | 

    simple fix- ban tampons and funnels.

  12. #12 |  MassHole | 

    An guy my mom dated who was in a fraternity back in the mid 60’s asked me during a conversation about fraternity partying if I had ever done a “grain enema” and claimed he had done so. All male colleges and fraternities can lead to some pretty weird stuff, so I don’t doubt it has happened. Certainly not a sweeping trend for sure. Wouldn’t it burn like hell though?

  13. #13 |  Zeph | 

    Rainbow parties. Jenkem. Vodka tampons. Is there nothing the mainstream media won’t fall for? /facepalm

  14. #14 |  GT | 

    If I recall correctly, I read something in the 90s to the effect that one of the pre-Columbus Meso-American societies (Aztec, Maya, Olmec, Toltec… whatever. The guys from “Apocalypto” maybe) used hallucinogenic enemas.

    And back in my days as a paid government sociopath, we certainly heard tales of how if you had an alcohol enema, you could absorb WAY more alcohol that if you tried to do so by mouth (the vomit response was supposedly taken out of the equation). You could like totally DIE before you spewed.

    Sounded like bullshit to me at the time, so I was a non-participant… but then again I look for ANY reason not to stick things up my pooper.

  15. #15 |  Howlin' Hobbit | 

    assuming for just a moment that you could convince some poor, deluded gal to stuff a vodka-soaked tampon into her cookie you gotta know that the moment she can walk again she’s going to walk up and just slap the shit outta you.

  16. #16 |  Stanely Ketchel, Middleweight | 

    I want to applaud today’s youth for coming up with better things for better living through technology.

    Fifty years ago I a goober in NYC alleged enemas were the way to ingest undried peyote buttons, suitably pureed of course. Dunno, didn’t try it.

    Also, during the same general time-frame Bill Burroughs referenced sticking dope up his ass but I cannot give a pin-point cite or an exact quote.

    I guess that nothing is ever really new under the sun (or where the sun don’t shine, for that matter.)

  17. #17 |  FridayNext | 

    @14 GT: Actually, not to get all history geek on you but there were a lot of medical treatments that involved putting weird things up your pooper as you so eloquently put it. Hint: This is where we get the phrase “Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass.”

  18. #18 |  Just Plain Brian | 

    It’s absolutely true. I heard a bunch of kids got drunk this way before going to a rainbow party. On the way there, they flashed their headlights at another car, and when they woke up, they were all missing kidneys.

    While they were at the hospital, Richard Gere checked in to the ER…

  19. #19 |  Kid Handsome | 

    Hilariously, one of the local Baltimore stations is going to do a story tonight on “idosing.” I heard the promo on the way into work today.

  20. #20 |  FloO | 

    I stopped watching local news about 12 years ago when the local team kept teasing a story throughout the newscast about a 3 year old who died watching Teletubbies. The story was to be reported “when we come back.”

    Remember when the purple one was in the news around that time. The newspapers had a chart showing a checklist of why it was gay and satanic (color purple, triangle, handbag, etc.)

    I always thought the totalitarian/control voice aspect was the only disturbing part, but that never bothered anyone.

    So the last 30 seconds of the broadcast they finally report the story. The family had a big console TV stacked on books, and the poor 3 year old ran to the TV to “hug” it when the show came on. The TV fell forward and killed the child.

    I felt stupid for letting myself be manipulated that way.

  21. #21 |  Ted S. | 

    You guys are lucky. My local station has only gotten up to the synthetic marijuana moral panic.

  22. #22 |  OBTC | 

    Officer Chris Thomas OF WHAT AGENCY? Why did the news channel cover up his police patch and not state what police department this creep works for yet this cop mugs for the camera? Why all the secrecy?

    Why did the so-called “reporter“, the cop and the doctor not provide ANY information on how many incidents have been reported of this “delivery” method but the reporter goes to the trouble of showing us how it’s allegedly accomplished?

    This “reporter” and this cop are just creating mindless panic and hysteria and laying the future groundwork to FURTHER violate the rights and bodies of teenagers everywhere because school “officials” and law enforcement might think a student fits a “profile” of a butt high?

    Remember people, this is the same state where school “officials” had Savannah Redding, a 12/13 year old girl, stripsearched by some pervish school nurse and some office worker because they “suspected” she might be “concealing” aspirin on her body and this sexual assault was carried out based solely on the “word” of some other girl who got caught with drugs or cigarettes.

    Some idiot principal thought this was a good idea and all under the guise of “protecting the children”! I ask you, from whom and from what?

    This is your brain on The War on Drugs

    And for what it’s worth, this cop seems a little “excited” about it – his eyes look “glazed over” while pontificating about this “alarming trend.”
    Hmmm… may not be the last time we hear about Officer Chris Thomas for “the unknown police department”

  23. #23 |  OBTC | 

    meant to say FROM “the unknown police department”

  24. #24 |  EH | 

    I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD I HEARD

  25. #25 |  B | 

    I taught a university class on drugs of abuse a couple of years ago. One thing I learned in prepping the lecture on inhalants was that every historical spike in inhalant use (there have been three, IIRC) has followed a moral panic about it with widespread and hysterical media coverage.

    So if the kids aren’t exploring alternative orifices yet, some most likely will.

    And yes, you will absorb alcohol very quickly through the rectum (the gut is all about absorbing liquid, and is highly vascularized). I imagine the vagina would work too, but not quite as well.

    Both would hurt like a motherfucker.

    And if you managed to successfully ingest alcohol this way, you’d still fail a breath test. The breath test works because alcohol is coming out of your bloodstream into the mucosa of your lungs. It matters not a whit how it got into your bloodstream.

    The more you know…

  26. #26 |  butt vodka | 

    I was a victim of one of these stories. We heard about this and we were trying all sorts of crazy shit in grad school, so I convinced a girl to put vodka up my butt with this enema bottle we had lying around for other more depraved reasons.
    It was definitely…uncomfortable. I had to stop before I got a decent shot because the sensation was so bizarre. It probably didn’t help that we had the vodka in the freezer beforehand.
    Anyways I did get a pretty fast rush of what I believe to be drunkenness, but it lasted for a very short time, and then I had to take a weird and uncomfortable deuce, and was kind of cashed for the night.
    Bottom line: not a good way to start the party, and these reporters need to find some better drug to tell me about so I can try it. I read somewhere that the european alcohol inhalers are pretty fun…

  27. #27 |  Robin Stern | 

    Once again, the local news media has missed the real threat entirely, PARKING TICKETS: http://lawblog.legalmatch.com/2011/11/07/future-speeding-tickets-ready-violate-sixth-amendment/

  28. #28 |  In Which I Debunk the Vodka-Soaked Tampon Myth « Tiny Cat Pants | 

    […] read about this over at Radley Balko‘s this morning and this afternoon, Rachel sent me a link to this over-dramatic bit of […]

  29. #29 |  Dave Metheny | 

    KPHO’s motto is JUST THE FACTS – NO HYPE. Perhaps thier motto needs to be switched to JUST THE HYPE – NO FACTS.

  30. #30 |  Eva | 

    “more than a one-man job.” That made me giggle.

  31. #31 |  Mike Healy | 

    Sounds like two ways to make Miller Lite palatable.

  32. #32 |  Boyd Durkin | 

    After ’94 when the Intertubes went big, me and some buddies would sit around and create stories like this. Some went “viral” before we knew what that word meant. These stores were like our children and we never knew where they’d end up. Tom Brokaw reported on one while I was watching him on the moving-picture-box.

    Good times.

    PS: People have died from alcohol enemas. Please use Google before you put things up your butt. I guess that’s the lesson…and the bumper sticker.

  33. #33 |  Joe | 

    Boy I missed all the “fun.”

  34. #34 |  Kristen | 

    As a woman, I can say unequivocally that there is no fucking way in hell I would shove a vodka-soaked tampon up there. And no other woman would either, unless she wanted to know the burning pain of 1000 UTIs at once.

    Funny – the local DC NBC affiliate had a story on this “iDosing” tonight. I saw a promo, but didn’t watch the report.

  35. #35 |  MadTom | 

    @#31

    Sounds like two ways to make Miller Lite.

  36. #36 |  Joe | 

    Kristen, adds a whole new dimention to the phrase: “Can I buy you a drink?”

  37. #37 |  Andrew Roth | 

    Rectal beer bonging sounds like an unlikely but plausible fraternity hazing ritual. When I was an undergraduate at Dickinson College (2001-2006), two stories about fraternity hazing caught my attention. One was about an “elephant walk,” in which recruits were forced to walk in a sort of conga line, each man holding the genitals (excuse me, “junk;” technical terms are important when dealing with bro culture nitwits) of the man in front of him. The other story was about pledges being provided with trash cans to vomit into during a forced liquor binge, with those who didn’t meet consumption quotas being paddled by the pledgemaster.

    I never confirmed either of these stories, but both had the ring of truth. Most of the fraternities at Dickinson were infested with creeps and thugs, and the one where the paddling allegedly took place was especially bad. Mind you, Dickinson seemed to have a relatively subdued fraternity culture. Greek Life was rather irrelevant to the rest of campus, and the hazing at Dickinson couldn’t hold a candle to practices at many schools. There’s some sick shit in bro world, and more than a few sororities are run by moral degenerates of a different sort.

    But stories like these, to the extent that they’re actually true, are only relevant to the idiotic and the desperate. Most alcoholics, let alone casual drinkers, are at no risk of taking alcohol vaginally or anally. None. People who find themselves in voluntary organizations where that sort of sadism is the norm need to find new friends, but the fundamental problem in those cases isn’t alcohol, it’s sociopaths who go unchallenged.

    Americans are sick puppies for being titillated by that sort of nonsense, and our media are sicker puppies yet for promoting it. This country needs to get itself to a wholesome, old-fashioned burlesque show.

  38. #38 |  MassHole | 

    “Please use Google before you put things up your butt.”

    Words to live by.

    Boyd you crack me up!

  39. #39 |  B | 

    @26–you had an enema bottle lying around for more depraved reasons that putting vodka up your butt?

    Rock on, dude. But seriously, stay out of my bathroom.

  40. #40 |  Roark | 

    So a guy is homophobic if he doesn’t want another dude giving him an enema?

  41. #41 |  Bob | 

    HA HA HA HA HA……The news lady couldn’t say VAGINA! LOL SHE said “They put it….there.” lol

  42. #42 |  Stray | 

    Wouldn’t a vodka soaked tampon be the size of a baseball? And wouldn’t you squeeze all the vodka out trying to insert it?

  43. #43 |  If You Repeat It Often Enough It Becomes True « Because I Can | 

    […] Christmas presents as an example…. (if you want something more visceral, I refer you to the vodka soaked tampon rumors currently pwning the […]

  44. #44 |  BeenThereDoneThat | 

    1) vodka tampons are a hoax. those tissues do not absorb alcohol
    2) alcohol up the back door works all too well. easy high. very dangerous if not done carefully.
    3) come people, check your stuff via google.

  45. #45 |  December Miscellanea « The Honest Courtesan | 

    […] All it takes is for some glorified security guard in Arizona to declare that teenagers are using vodka-soaked tampons to get drunk without booze breath and before you know it cops and media from sea to shining sea […]

  46. #46 |  Gullible’s Travels « The Honest Courtesan | 

    […] “sexting”, smoking Smarties, strawberry-flavored methamphetamine, violent video games, vodka-soaked tampons or gummy bears, or any number of other myths three minutes on the internet would be sufficient to […]

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