Cuddly Soft Balls of Death

Monday, November 1st, 2010

Suspicious box of kittens shuts down a highway. Though as a dog person, I’d argue that cats may actually pose a greater threat to our way of life than terrorists.

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36 Responses to “Cuddly Soft Balls of Death”

  1. #1 |  Marty | 

    this is funny stuff, but on a serious note, idiots with cell phones wreak havoc every day… they see something that looks dangerous and immediately dial 911 as they continue on their merry ‘I did my good deed today’ way. this endangers drivers, rescuers, bystanders, kittens, etc. these same idiots will call and say someone looks ‘despondent’ or ‘suspicious’ and they create TONS of headaches by causing people to get mixed up with the govt who didn’t want or need to get mixed up with the govt, because the govt has ‘protocols that must be followed’.
    I’m surprised they don’t go all CSI on this and take DNA samples to match against the chip database and find the irresponsible owners and come down on them with the all the humane society wrath of the govt they can muster.

  2. #2 |  K9kevlar | 

    Cats piss me off.

  3. #3 |  Judas Peckerwood | 

    I love the assumption made by the idiot reporter that, of course, you would assume that a box sitting outside an office was dangerous and call the cops.

    What a nation of pathetic bed-wetters we have become.

  4. #4 |  Joe | 

    Over-reaction? I am not so sure of that. Never underestimate the power of pussy.

  5. #5 |  Bob | 

    What do Bomb Squads do all day? This must be the most boring job ever.

    Day 3542: Still no bomb. Had a box of kittens, though. Can’t these retards open the box and let the kittens out without calling us?

    Day 3543: Still no bomb. Played WoW all day. Got my 54th Night Elf up to level 80! Go me!

    Day 3544: Still no bomb. Got training on defusing quantum reflex binary explosives today. Still can’t get approval for safe kitten handling class. I see a lot more kittens that that quantum whatever the hell crap.

    Has anyone EVER left a box with a bomb in it on a doorstep like that?

  6. #6 |  Mike | 

    @Bob, yes, the Olympic Park bombing. That’s the one where the hero security guard, Richard Jewell, noticed something “odd” – and took action. Since no good deed goes unpunished, he was then savaged by the media with all sorts of lies. Wikipedia him, it’s sad.

    Back on topic: Watch out, that box might give you Cat Scratch Fever! Ted Nugent, anyone?

  7. #7 |  paranoiastrksdp | 

    Yeah, safe to say at this point that the terrorists won.

  8. #8 |  Nate | 

    There is a line when you should call the police from your cell phone. I’ve called twice for drunk drivers heading the wrong way on the freeway late at night. And once from my roof at college reporting a man in a cast that was walking around the streets cracking party-goers noses open. Box of cats? Not so much.

  9. #9 |  Bob | 

    You know, it’s not something I think about… but I’ve never called 911. Apparently, though… other people aren’t so restrained. I think my favorite is people that call 911 when their fast food order isn’t right.

    boggle.

  10. #10 |  Yizmo Gizmo | 

    Not the fist time a little pussy causes a great big commotion.

  11. #11 |  JS | 

    Yizmo “Not the fist time a little pussy causes a great big commotion.”

    Close this thread, nobody’s gonna top that one!

  12. #12 |  Mario | 

    I want to know what the hell is wrong with people who can’t have the decency to try to find a home for kittens or to bring them to a shelter — or better yet, have the female cats spayed in the first place. It is completely unconscionable to abandon them in a box.

    People like these are the real animals, and I wouldn’t be too upset if they were mistakenly blown up by the bomb squad.

  13. #13 |  Juice | 

    I’ve called 911 once. It was when two guys with shotguns were smashing in my living room window with them and yelling “open the door” and then started kicking on the door (which thankfully was steel on a steel frame). The cops came surprisingly quickly (in about 5 minutes). I didn’t have a gun, but shortly thereafter I did. They never caught them, though.

  14. #14 |  Psion | 

    How powerful is the x-ray device used by bomb squad technicians? There doesn’t seem to be a good answer online, and I’m just curious if kitty’s fur will start falling out soon.

  15. #15 |  Stephen | 

    I called 911 once when I noticed some traffic lights that were green in all directions.

  16. #16 |  name | 

    Cats are not “adorable” They are selfish, uncaring self centered screw ups of God.Possibly created during Eves first premenstrual cycle.

  17. #17 |  RT | 

    Driving to work one morning, in an old pickup truck. Saw something very small in the road, but could not stop in time before I passed over it. It was a kitten. Since the truck was so high off of the ground, didn’t touch it. Got off at the next exit and turned around. Went back and by that time someone else had already stopped and gotten the one kitten out of the road, and there was a cardboard box beside the road with several more. There’s a special place in the afterlife for people that do those kinds of things.

  18. #18 |  croaker | 

    @16 Hey, at least they didn’t put them in a burlap sack with a rock…

  19. #19 |  primus | 

    people, people, get your perspectives checked; IT’S A KITTEN. One of literally millions spawned every year. Of course we think they are cuddly etc. but they are not humans, they are ANIMALS. I agree that these pet owners are buffoons, but that is everywhere. They were not malicious. They didn’t harm the kittens, they just left them. Chill.

  20. #20 |  v ~ | 

    + #4 I Joe I “Never underestimate the power of pussy.”

    http://vimeo.com/12838041

  21. #21 |  Illryion | 

    Primus –

    Why does this stupid argument get brought up every single time a animal is involved in a news article. Don’t worry, holmes – we aren’t trying to supplant your place on the earth. we’re just trying to ensure that people don’t find it harmless when SUFFOCATING A LIVING CREATURE IN A BOX! OR LEAVING THEM IN THE STREET TO BE CRUSHED BY A TRUCK! I’m sorry if I disagree that those acts aren’t malicious. My apologies if that threatens your sense of the value of human life. fucktard.

  22. #22 |  Bob | 

    #16 | name | November 1st, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Cats are not “adorable” They are selfish, uncaring self centered screw ups of God.Possibly created during Eves first premenstrual cycle.

    BOO!!!!!

    No Karma for you. One year.

    And I will now mercilessly spank your grammar. You missed a period after “adorable”. A comma after “uncaring”, a space before “Possibly”. and your point sucked totally.

  23. #23 |  Judas Peckerwood | 

    #16 | name | November 1st, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    “Cats are not “adorable” They are selfish, uncaring self centered screw ups of God.Possibly created during Eves first premenstrual cycle.”

    name, read that back to yourself, out loud, every time you wonder why you never, ever get laid.

  24. #24 |  Beavis | 

    You missed a period

    Heh.

  25. #25 |  scottp | 

    Very uncool. Cats are awesome pets.
    I have two, and I love em like crazy.

  26. #26 |  FridayNext | 

    Before we talk about what pussies these people were for calling 911, recall they are federal workers (insert blood of tyrants and/or lazy public servant looking for day off joke here) who found it on their doorstep when they showed up for work. Given the amount of actual and threatened violence directed at government buildings of late, they probably did the right thing. (Yes I know, we are still more likely to be the victim of government sponsored violence than vice versa, but someone did fly a plan into an IRS building not that long ago) Plus they were probably following some sort of official protocol.

    I’ve called 911 a number of times. I used to leave across the street from this white trash bar. On any given Saturday night it was likely a couple would come out into the street with some variation of “you’re a slut, you were looking at him” “I was not” followed by man hitting woman. We called 911 a half-dozen times, but every time the couple had made up before the cops got there. Even with a bloody nose the women would deny anything had happened. The last time we called, the cop came by our house and tried to come in and sniff around saying something like “Why can’t I come in? You don’t have anything to hide do you?” He got a call and left. We never called 911 again.

  27. #27 |  Peej | 

    I was dog person for 20+ years. Got my first cat 11 years ago when my daughter left her college cat with us and I’ve been hooked ever since. I’ve rescued two more from the streets over the past two years and have 3 of them now.

    Love ‘em to pieces. They really are a lot of fun and honestly… my 3 cats are a lot less work than 1 dog. Especially at 6AM when I don’t have to venture out into the cold frosty morning to walk them.

  28. #28 |  Eric | 

    Bob..

    You missed a period after “adorable”. A comma after “uncaring”, a space before “Possibly”. and your point sucked totally.

    see my corrections below.

    You missed a period after “adorable,” a comma after “uncaring,” a space before “Possibly,” and your point sucked totally.

  29. #29 |  Bob | 

    #28: Eric,

    I was hoping no one would notice that. I could have also gone with a period there, making the last part it’s own sentence, but then I would have had to add an ‘and’ after “uncaring”. Cut me some slack! That grammar needed to be spanked something fierce!

    And the comma goes AFTER the end quote. So there.

  30. #30 |  Eric | 

    Bob.. Chicago (Table 6.1 in the latest edition) says otherwise on the end quote. And we both have too much time on our hands. :) And cats are a pain in the ass.

  31. #31 |  pedant | 

    #29 Bob,

    If you open just about any novel with dialogue (in the US), you’ll see commas before the closing quote. Other nations may do it differently.

    it’s = it is
    its = possessive form of it

    Still, you must be commended for using proper quotes and apostrophes instead of primes. I think that outweighs any minor infractions. No matter how awesome anyone is, no one has 100% perfect grammar all of the time.

  32. #32 |  Zargon | 

    At least they didn’t go with their standard operating procedure of blowing it up. That would have been a rather different headline.

    And yes, leaving kittens in a box by the side of the road is probably somewhere around callous indifference or cruelty on the bad-person-o-meter, but it always amuses me how the cuteness of the victim exponentially scales up the vitriol, because it doesn’t affect the severity of the offense.

    For example, people hunt birds and other game just for fun, and as a society we’ve decided creating and essentially torturing decidedly not-cute animals on an enormous scale is a-ok to get tastier food.

  33. #33 |  nicrivera | 

    “Though as a dog person, I’d argue that cats may actually pose a greater threat to our way of life than terrorists.”

    Even if they’re not ALL terrorists, I’ve never heard any cats speaking out against terrorism. That makes them terrorist sympathizers!

  34. #34 |  KristenS | 

    Animals are waaaaaaaaaay better companions than people, primus. That’s why people like em.

  35. #35 |  Bob | 

    #31 | pedant | November 2nd, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    #29 Bob,

    If you open just about any novel with dialogue (in the US), you’ll see commas before the closing quote. Other nations may do it differently.

    it’s = it is
    its = possessive form of it

    Still, you must be commended for using proper quotes and apostrophes instead of primes. I think that outweighs any minor infractions. No matter how awesome anyone is, no one has 100% perfect grammar all of the time.

    Son of a bitch! “its” was the correct usage indeed.

    Not done yet… gotta find a novel. There has to be one here somewhere…
    Wouldn’t that be embarrassing if i didn’t own a single novel?

    Ok! I grabbed 2. I chose an eclectic mix. The first one is a first edition of “With Edged Tools” by Henry Seton Merriman, written in England in 1894.

    Hmm. The punctuation for quoted text is indeed inside the quotes. Conditions where .”. would seem to be correct, (period ending quote, then a period ending the sentence the quote is in) is handled with the second period ignored.

    The second is “Death’s Head: Day of the Damned” by David Gunn. It’s a modern sci-fi novel.

    It handles them the same!

    What are ‘primes’? Did I just use them? Lemme google it… guh Wha? You mean “Semantic Primes”, right? Wow. I’m not even close to smart enough to figure this out. This explains my poor grades in English. Who knew?

    But! Now I know the difference between “its” and “it’s,” and I learned about the punctuation in quotes rule! And knowing is half the battle!

    G.I. Joe!

  36. #36 |  John Sabotta | 

    my kitty is sweet and adorable and would claw name’s eyeballs right out of his rotten head and then adorably lick the insides of his eye sockets as he lay on the ground thrashing and screaming.

    i love kitty.

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