Shaquille O’Neal, Lawman

Friday, September 17th, 2010

Washed-up basketball star Shaquille O’Neal has made no secret about his wish to become a cop after he retires. And he’s been made an honorary deputy at several police departments around the country. Radar Online now reports that he may already be well-acquainted with the custom of professional courtesy.

NBA star Shaquille O’Neal is at the center of an explosive new lawsuit accusing him of computer hacking, destroying evidence and indicating that he attempted to frame an employee by planting child pornography on his computer, is reporting exclusively…

Here are some of the explosive allegations:

  • Shaq hacked into the voicemails and phone systems of Darling and Vanessa Lopez, a mistress who is currently suing O’Neal. He deleted Lopez’s messages and changed her password.
  • O’Neal used his law enforcement contacts, both active and retired, to obtain restricted information about one of his mistresses, Alexis Miller, while he was involved in a legal battle with her.
  • Shaq threw a personal computer holding much of this evidence in the lake behind his home.
  • Shaq conspired with active law enforcement as well as ex-members of law enforcement to frame Darling for a criminal offense and destroy any evidence that Darling might have against O’Neal.

Darling says there is proof in the form of emails, text messages and photos that Shaq had multiple affairs while married and tried to keep that information from going public.

This is one half of a lawsuit, so digest the allegations with that in mind.

Back in 2007, I wrote a short item for Reason about Shaq’s participation in a botched SWAT raid in, of all places, Bedford County, Virginia. Of all the bizarre SWAT stories I’ve reported over the years, that one is among the most surreal. Imagine you’re A.J. Nuckols or his wife. You’ve just been thrown to the ground at gunpoint by a SWAT team on a mistaken search for child porn. Terrified, you then look up to see that among the officers rummaging about your rural Virginia home . . . is Shaquille O’Neal.

But Shaq had the post-raid script down pat:

“It ain’t no story,” he said. “We did everything right, went to the judge, got a warrant. You know, they make it seem like we beat him up, and that never happened. We went in, talked to him, took some stuff, returned it—bada bam, bada bing.”

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34 Responses to “Shaquille O’Neal, Lawman”

  1. #1 |  M | 

    Washed up doesn’t really describe him.

  2. #2 |  Elliot | 

    You redundantly repeated parts in your article. And, you mentioned the same thing twice.

  3. #3 |  Elliot | 

    Never mind, looks like you edited it since it hit the RSS feed. Mea culpa.

  4. #4 |  Marty | 

    he’ll fit right in wherever he’s hired…

  5. #5 |  Rhayader | 

    The Big Brutality.

  6. #6 |  Episiarch | 

    I never understood why someone as physically unstoppable, and also rich and famous as he is, would have a po-po fetish. He already has a ton of power through fame and money, he’s absolutely colossal; what does he need with cop power-tripping? I guess I just cannot understand that mentality no matter what.

  7. #7 |  EH | 

    Episiarch: Given Lord Acton’s aphorism, he doesn’t yet have absolute power, which requires immunities.

  8. #8 |  firehat | 

    He’s not been an “honorary” police officer, he’s been a reserve officer/deputy. There is a big difference there in that the reserve officer is actually a cop.

  9. #9 |  Sixtus | 

    C’mon cut him a break… he is pretty hilarious.

  10. #10 |  pam | 

    Shaquille who?

  11. #11 |  BillC | 

    Shaquille O’Neal is a horrible person. Ask any of his ex-teammates off the record.

  12. #12 |  JS | 

    Episiarch “I never understood why someone as physically unstoppable, and also rich and famous as he is, would have a po-po fetish.”

    He’s not so physically unstoppable. I remember when I was a kid seeing Charles Barkley throw him down and wail on him until they broke it up.

  13. #13 |  JS | 

    I think Steven Seagal is a cop too. Must be a “washed up” thing.

  14. #14 |  Judas Peckerwood | 

    “I never understood why someone as physically unstoppable, and also rich and famous as he is, would have a po-po fetish.”

    Fascists come in all flavors.

  15. #15 |  Matt | 

    Sadism cannot be disguised by employment labels.

  16. #16 |  Bass Rootin | 

    What is the over/under on Shaq shooting and killing a dog once he becomes a full-time jack-booted thug? I say 8 months.

  17. #17 |  Apollo | 

    Seriously, “Washed-up basketball star”? Say what you will about anything else, but attacking the man’s on-court skills, which are only reduced because of age, is effing weak.

    We should all hope to be “washed-up” in the same was as Shaq – known worldwide for our former skills, formerly one of the be in the world at what we do, and still able to do professionally whatever it is that we love to do at an age when hardly anyone else still can. And, um, spending our weekends swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck. Yeah, let’s make fun of Shaq for being old. Hardy har har.

  18. #18 |  Andrew | 

    Planting child pornography on a computer has to be the easiest and most effective way possible to frame someone for a crime. If you drop a bag of crack or weed in someones car, in their pocket or in their home they’ll get a felony charge and possibly do jail time. This is tame when compared to CP. You plant CP on someone they’re not only going to prison longer than for drugs but they’ll be forever branded as a sex offender which is in actuality a life sentence just one served outside the confines of a convention prison cell.

    It makes one wonder just how many people who’ve been convicted of possession of CP were framed by a disgruntled acquaintance, a vindictive spouse or a corrupt government employee.

  19. #19 |  Random Guy on the Internet | 

    Closet totalitarian and a degenerate gambler to boot.

  20. #20 |  Kevin3% | 

    The good news: he is so large he will be easy to hit when the shooting starts…it might take a few more rounds to put the beast down though.

  21. #21 |  The Johnny Appleseed Of Crack | 

    The fact that Shaq participated in SWAT raids is evidence that the police knew they weren’t actually dangerous raids performed on violent felons. First of all, if it were dangerous, the other SWAT team members would want a highly trained partner, not some dumbfuck volunteer that just wants to see a little action.
    Second, many pro athletes have clauses in their contracts forbidding them from participating in dangerous activities outside of their sport.

  22. #22 |  Max | 

    While Shap’s deservedly getting trashed, didn’t anyone else notice this, the REASON that Darling guy wound up dealing with his (much, MUCH more potentially devastating if found guilty by a crooked court) issue?

    “Lopez, who is currently suing Shaq for harassment and is being represented by power attorney Gloria Allred, then told O’Neal that Darling was giving her information behind his back, according to the lawsuit.”

    I…can’t say a single thing about this bi–…woman… without wanting to curse.

  23. #23 |  TC | 

    Sorry for trashing upthis thread, but mail aint working right.

    More for that new professionalism you keep pointing out to us!

  24. #24 |  paranoiastrksdp | 

    Wasn’t he the genie in Kazzam? That movie was shit. Oh you say he played some basketballl too?

  25. #25 |  Joe | 

    Shaq can do not wrong after his movie Kazaam. That was a seminal work of art. He is like Piccaso now and get away with anything.

  26. #26 |  Cynical in CA | 

    Shaq vs….

    A police dog?

    I’d pay to see that.

  27. #27 |  Cynical in CA | 

    “But Shaq had the post-raid script down pat….”

    Not quite perfect: “bada bam, bada bing.”

    It’s “bada BOOM, bada bing.”

    If Shaq decides to do undercover work for the FBI in a mafia sting, he better get his terms straight or the mafia will figure out pretty quick that he’s an FBI plant.


  28. #28 |  claude | 

    Well, if what u wrote is true, he is definitely LEO material all the way.

  29. #29 |  Derfel Cadarn | 

    That is correct folks,if you can bounce a ball your bright enough to be a cop.He seems to have the part where you do not have to obey the law down pretty well though.

  30. #30 |  croaker | 

    Gives new meaning to “Shaq Attack”

  31. #31 |  StrongStyle81 | 

    “Yeah, playing basketball was all right. I mean…you know, it had its good points and paid the bills. You could get away with a lot of stuff. But you can’t go around violating people’s civil rights everyday. I really want to do that. Break into some poor bastard’s home who’s probably never done anything bad in his life. Kill his dog. Beat the crap out of him. Scare his kids so they’ll need therapy for the rest of their lives and then torture him with a taser for a few minutes. You just can’t do that stuff in basketball. So I’ll make some money then retire and start doing my civic duty and help destroy the Constitution.”

  32. #32 |  Bob | 

    “It ain’t no story,” he said. “We did everything right, went to the judge, got a warrant. You know, they make it seem like we beat him up, and that never happened. We went in, talked to him, took some stuff, returned it—bada bam, bada bing.”

    Really? You did everything right? Is that a fucking fact?

    The fact is that based on nothing but a wrong IP address, this guy and his family was served a warrant, held at gunpoint, detained for 5 hours while cops searched their home, and accused of heinous crimes against children.

    All because the cops can’t get an IP address right.

    Fuck you, Shaq.

  33. #33 |  Boyd Durkin | 

    There isn’t much road beef (pro and amateur) that Shaq hasn’t hit–while married. He’ll fit right in as a LEO what with the lying psychopaths.

  34. #34 |  Shaq Attacks | The Agitator | 

    […] I’ve written a couple times before on the surreal, looming disaster that is Shaquille O’Neal’s secondary career as a police officer. […]