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Really, that’s just funny as hell.
“Will Jesus EVER return? I mean, come on already. Jesus.”
He’s sleeping in. Can you blame Him, after what we did last time He popped by?
The clock is ticking…
Being a devout atheist, I have serious doubts about the first go round.
The naturally selected have less and less time to repent. So sayeth the grave diggers and funeral directors. SWAT teams, anonymous tipsters, the State of Texas may interfere with that. But hey, weren’t you smart enough not to impede the will of the state?
Maybe he’s stuck in the TSA security line?
Silly Newsmax… if they knew their Bible, first you have to get a pure red heifer, slaughter it so you can cleanse the workers who will build the new Temple in Jerusalem, and once you do that, He’ll return.
A goodly portion of their readers believe this, why don’t they know it?
WTF Jesus? You’re such a rapture-tease.
If I hadn’t been raised in an environment in which Christian mythology was rather ubiquitous, I wouldn’t think twice at quickly dismissing outright the irrational ideas of a virgin birth, trinity,
zombieresurrection, andsecret handshakethe one true path to heaven…not to mention the cruelty and inconsistencies. Getting a science education and being naturally inquisitive helps to overcome the brainwashing. (Luckily, I wasn’t subjected to church, nor was I around fundamentalist zealots until I grew up and left home.)Besides all the violence and cruelty (mostly a thing of the past in Western culture), it’s just sad how much religious people spend so much of their one and only life on imaginary things, feeling guilt at normal things or forgoing real-life benefits (not just the “vices”, but even fulfilling simple dreams, like spending Sundays hiking instead of putting on a facade and trying to stay awake).
The better question is “Was he ever here in the first place?”
I’m pretty sure Mithras isn’t coming back, either. Now, Batman, Thor, and Iron Man will be back, the franchises are just too lucrative. And Harry Potter… he’ll probably be back at some point.
To be fair, though… if you compare the teachings associated with the ‘Jesus’ character, with the outright cruelty of, say, the Romans, you can understand the attraction. I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t build any colleseums and force people to fight to the death in them. Of course, he didn’t provide running water or any semblance of security, either.
Where I draw the line with religious people is when they can’t accept the possibility that people like Jesus might just be fictional.
If Obama is the anti-christ and HCR is armegeddon, it should be any day now…
That is hilarious. I received it this morning in my regular “Human Events” email.
Underneath the words “Will He ever return?” were the words “Plus: What Glenn Beck Knows”
A full days worth of laughter.
*Picky points first: I believe you mean HCR is the Scarlet Whore. “Armegeddon” (= har Meggido = the plain near Meggido) is the designated place where the “Final Battle” will take place.
—
While those on the right might believe Barry O is the beast, I suspect there are a large number on the left who think he is “God Returned and Made Manifest.”
—
BTW, the Rapture took place on October 27, 2003. If you are still here, you didn’t make the cut.
I’m a non-”evangelical” Christian who spends most of my religious life around evangelical Christians. It’s amazing how many of them think that Jesus is coming back any day now, because it’s just so bad in the world today (to paraphrase what I hear so often).
The fact is that by pretty much any measure the world is becoming a better place. I’m not saying it’s perfect, but you have to be historically ignorant to believe that this is awful. Usually, when pressed, you hear about open homosexuality as the proof. I always ask people how that compares to 300 years of enslaving Africans. Never get a real good answer.
Anyway, I love the exasperation. I have never really figured out the whole “Jesus is coming again” thing. I know it’s in Revelation, but there’s a lot in there and #7 comes pretty close to summing up the problem. That is, these people are pulling a couple of verses out of Revelation, ignoring the rest, and running with it.
There’s another passage in Matthew where Jesus says something like “You’ll know when the end times are here because there will be wars, rumors of wars, earthquakes, etc.” I hear this a lot, and people wide-eyed will say “that’s just what’s happening now”. Yeah, it is. And if you care to read any history book, you’ll find out that that passage describes every single period in recorded human history, and likely plenty of periods before recorded human history, and doubtlessly every future period as well. It’s like saying “you’ll know when the end is here because water will be wet.” Ooh, it’s wet now!
Sorry, ranting.
Haha, no we’re mostly godless heathens.
[...] This made me smile. [...]
What if he were already here but nobody recognized him?
Jesus will return the same day John Frum does.
Someone at the onion is really mad that they didn’t think of this first.
You’re talking about people who truly believe that the world is about six thousand years old.
13 years ago the Hale-Bopp comet arrived. I should have drank the kool-aid then. I tried but unfortunately some bastard told me the truth.
If Jesus returned, he would be crucified* by the leading public authorities of the day, just like the last time. Certainly none of the people anxiously awaiting him would recognize or follow him.
*Well, the equivalent for the modern day
According to the NY Times, he is here now!
I only recently watched Glenn Beck a few times after the White House picked a fight with him and gave him publicity. His emphasis on faith and God is annoying. And, he’s pretty dorky. But for all the criticisms by the left that he’s “crazy” and “dangerous”, I haven’t seen it in the few episodes I’ve watched. The Democrats actions are proving him to be correct on the whole socialism angle. Several of them are brazenly using the term Socialism in interviews, like Shaprton and Ed Schultz.
I have to say, other than the standard conservative stuff that goes against my libertarianism, I like the guy better than anyone else on TV now (which, admittedly, isn’t saying much).
jb – If Jesus were here today, the exact same scenario would play out. The Jim Dobson’s and Jerry Falwell’s are the modern Pharisees, etc.
The point of Jesus “coming again”, though, is that he’ll somehow swoop down and take all the Christians straight to heaven and earth will be left without them. The belief is based on two different parts of the Bible. One is in the gospels where Jesus mentions this episode and gives specific examples, such as two people working in a field and suddenly there’s only one. Then there’s Revelation. The modern belief is a mix of pieces of both.
If you want to see pretty much exactly how this is envisioned by the, um, adherents to this belief, find the movie “Left Behind” with Kirk Cameron. It’s LOL funny, but realize that a lot of people are waiting for that day and see that as prophetic.
To be fair, the early Christians actually believed that Jesus was coming back any day 1950 years ago. They sold their stuff and lived communally because it wasn’t going to be long, anyway.
What if the Messiah was born, lived, tortured, and died without anyone noticing?
No.
I suspect they elaborate a little in the article though.
Seriously, if he doesn’t come back soon , the Mayans will get us in 2012
Two words: Zombie Jesus.
Y’all trippin’ I see Jesus all the time up in the WallMart here in Tuskaloosa. Saw him just today. He was shoppin’ for one of them sterling silver necklaces and what not. Told me he get’s anxiety attacks whenever he sees folks wearing gold crosses. Post traumatic stress I’m guessing. Good thing he can cop his script of Zoloft right there in the same building.
Jesus left Chicago,
And he’s bound for New Orleans
srsly!1!!
/wink
I’m right here guys.
What if he were already here but nobody recognized him?
Just a slob like one of us?
The Christ has obviously turned to smoking copious amounts of pot, and is experiencing amotivational syndrome. This explains why Jesus H. is a little tardy. And if cannibas effects the most high (heh heh) in this manner, why would we ever consider legalizing marijuana for mere humans?
May be he’s waiting for us to legalize weed..My guess is though he is waiting till dick cheney leaves and goes back to what ever corner of hell he slithered out of when he showed up here or a dont ask dont tell policy for zombie’s
Will He ever return? No, He’ll never return, and His fate is still unlearned…”
[...] Radley Balko: [...]