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Sexting Hysteria Drives Teen to Suicide. Media Blames Sexting, Fuels More Hysteria.
Friday, December 11th, 2009Over at Hit & Run, the heartbreaking Hope Witsell story.
43 Responses to “Sexting Hysteria Drives Teen to Suicide. Media Blames Sexting, Fuels More Hysteria.”
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condolences to the family and a pox on the school staff. horrible.
Persecution, castigation, and psychological torture are society’s way of teaching people that there are consequences for what they do.
It’s especially confusing to kids because they haven’t fully integrated our insanely irrational attitudes about sex, so it lands on them like a ton of bricks out of nowhere.
When my brother was caught masturbating, my mother took him to a psychiatrist. That was about a half century ago. We haven’t come very far, have we?
I don’t think that what the parents did was wrong. A parent has a right to punish/ground their children to ensure that they behave the way that the parents want them to (be it to encourage good behavior or discourage bad behavior). So the kid was grounded and made to live without Internet or a cell phone. I doubt that really had much to do with the girl killing herself.
Nope, what probably had the most influence was the constant harassment from the other kids at school. This, however, can hardly be prevented by her parents.
As for the school doling out punishment, that was completely uncalled for. The act didn’t happen on school property or during school hours and so the school had ZERO grounds for what they did.
At least there was no law enforcement or prosecution in the sexting. I have no problem with a parent correcting their child’s behavior (if they don’t like sexting or don’t agree with it). To take it out of the parent’s hands, tho, is where I draw the line.
“I’ll show you yours if you show me mine” HUH?!
#3
Responsible, caring parents should be more concerned about helping their children deal with the consequences they’ve created in the world than placing punitive sanctions on them. The emerging sexuality of teenagers needs to be handled with care, grace, sensitivity, and with an eye towards recognizing that they are becoming sexual beings and will be so for pretty much the rest of their lives. A wise parental talk about boundaries and age-appropriate behavior was in order, in addition to helping the girl cope with the vicious, hypocritical harassment of her peers. Denying a child from having any electronic contact with their friends – either through cellphones or online – is cruel and isolating. What’s the point? You shouldn’t be shaming your child more by cutting them off from any of their friends that are still willing to be supportive.
#5 ClassAction:
I’m willing to bet that everyone who reads/posts here was, at one point or another, punished by their parents for some action they committed after the age of 13.
I can’t even count the number of times I was grounded and sent to my room with no access to TV or phone. I could go to school and come home, that was it! I survived and turned out alright. It wasn’t cruel. It wasn’t excessive. Yes, it was partly isolating (I could still interact with my family), but such is life.
I’m not saying that a parent shouldn’t talk to their kids and explain to them why their actions were not welcome. However, as with most teens, they will always test their boundaries. You can’t just tell a 13 year old not to do something, even if you explain to them why, and expect them not to challenge you on it. That is where punishment comes in. Kids need to be taught that there are consequences to their actions (and there will be consequences for any and every action for the rest of their lives). They need to learn to think before they act and to live with the consequences, be they intended or unintended. In effect, be a “grown-up.”
A parent who just talks to their teenager and doesn’t punish them is not going to get the results he wants (in most cases).
#6:
It’s not that I think grounding is never appropriate, just that it was unnecessarily punitive here. The idea that this girl needed to be taught the “consequences” of her action by being punished by her parents is ridiculous – she was already being harassed and tortured by her classmates. There is no need for her parents to isolate her further and heap on the punishment in this scenario, especially because the girl wasn’t being particularly “bad,” but rather exercising, a bit unwisely, her burgeoning sexuality. The poor girl clearly needed guidance and support, not further isolation and punishment.
“A parent who just talks to their teenager and doesn’t punish them is not going to get the results he wants (in most cases).”
She didnt steal a car or rob a store. She didnt beat anyone up, or cuss out a teacher. Her crime was having a crush on a boy and sending a pic. Im sure the boy passing it around was more than punishment enough, or we wouldnt be reading this story.
It’s not that simple. It’s clear as day to me that it’s the combination of the harassment from her peers together with the condemnation of every other adult in her life that caused that. Millions of kids get bullied all the damn time and virtually all of them live to tell about it.
For an example, when I was ~9-13 I was horribly picked on by my classmates. Nothing as extreme as what happened here, but whenever I went to my parents for help, the advice I got was that I needed a thicker skin, because the bullies won’t target me if they can’t get a reaction, and I was very bad at concealing my emotions, often breaking down and crying.
What I took away from that was that I was bringing my problems upon myself. That I was at fault for being weird. I believed that for several years there and it was crushing, feeling that I had the support of nobody. I eventually figured out that my parent’s advice wasn’t actually implying I was in the wrong, but as they never said anything since they probably considered so obvious, I didn’t understand until I was in high school.
That’s probably exactly what happened here. Her classmates bullied her and her parents refused to support her, and instead reinforced her perception that she was a bad person deserving of what she was getting. It’s a damn shame her parents didn’t stop to think at all before they grounded her an entire summer, that maybe, just maybe, she was getting all the punishment she needed and more at school and perhaps they ought to try and support her a bit? Tell her she’s not a bad person fully deserving of what she was getting at school?
Her parents probably thought it was obvious and implied that they still loved her and she’s not a bad person. But I’d be willing to bet money she didn’t get the message. And yes, that makes the parents partially at fault.
I don’t think her parents’ reactions had anything to do with it.
First off, she was caught by administrators sending topless pics twice. The first time, the parents had grounded her but let her go on a school trip where she did it again.
Secondly, the parents took away her cell phone and stuff in June. She didn’t kill herself until September.
This is all about the kids who bullied her and the administrators who let them.
CC
I only wish parenting was as black-and-white as some of the commenters here seem to think. Do you think the parents grounded their daughter because they wanted her to suffer? I’m guessing not. I suspect they punished her because they understood the repercussions of this sort of behavior and she, at age 13, did not. You can debate whether such indiscretions are a matter for schools or police or classmates but the reality these days is it is all of those things. And certainly if she’s engaging in such behavior now I’d be concerned about what actions she might take in the future. There’s a difference between overreacting to a problem such as texting and tolerating it. My daughter is only three so it’s not on my radar yet, but if I found out she did something like that I suspect I would not be too happy about it and I would probably take action beyond sitting down and having a heart-to-heart.
It’s easy to look back in hindsight and say it was the wrong punishment. But as a parent I would want to find some way to demonstrate to a 13-year-old (not the most receptive of creatures) that actions like this have serious, detrimental consequences even if they shouldn’t. I would worry that such behavior could lead to other actions that have lasting repercussions–keeping in mind that the internet has a long memory. The fact that such actions can invoke federal involvement is all the more reason for me as a parent to intervene. Obviously you want to communicate your point in as gentle a way as possible but you don’t know the back-story here. How did she respond to other forms of punishment? How did she respond to reason? The parents didn’t beat her with a belt or anything. They grounded her, a punishment many see as relatively benign. This is a tragedy, to be sure, but I think many fail to appreciate how difficult it is for a parent to determine the proper course of action in responding to such a situation.
HAHAHAHA! Please tell me it’s been decades and you still haven’t let him live this down! I’d STILL be dogging my brother about something like that, that’s too good to let die.
Wow, I should have read the rest of the comments before I got all cracked up by daves brother. Dave makes a statement with what might be the least amount of snark ever (for him) and I laughed. Sorry.
It is a rough story and parents are always in a tight spot, but it’s the bullying, IMO, that pushed her over the edge. I had the exact opposite experience that Zargon had in life. My mom was a “you better kick his ass” kinda mom, bless her. Without going into my life story lets just say bullies still make me angry but I’ve learned to control my myself a bit. That’s why I reacted irritably to the ICP bully story earlier, bullies just piss me off.
I smell a lawsuit coming…
“On Sept. 11, Hope met with school counselors, who noticed cuts on Hope’s leg they believed to be self-inflicted. They had her sign a “no-harm contract,” in which she promised to talk to an adult if she felt the urge to hurt herself. But, attorney Aftab told TODAY, the school didn’t inform Hope’s parents of the contract. “In this case, the school blew it,” Aftab said. “They never told the parents how at risk she was.”
It’s just like marijuana all over again: the most dangerous thing about it is the legal repercussion, not the thing itself.
But bailouts, entitlements, and welfare fly in the face of this.
I don’t think any 1 action in this situation is responsible for her death. There isn’t a clear cause/affect relationship, such as “i drove a car at high speeds on ice, swerved out of control, and hit other vehicles and killed the people”. The girl obviously had other deeper emotional issues if she valued her life so little that her solution was to kill herself. This can be chalked up to poor parenting. The mom claims she had no clue, well gee could it be (assuming she’s telling the truth) that you weren’t paying attention to the (usually) obvious signs, didn’t speak to your child, and your child didn’t feel like she couldn’t come to you with problems? These are all parental failures. However, the parents can’t be blamed for their daughter’s death, but they can feel like crap for being shitty parents to have failed in so many ways to establish a line of communication with their daughter.
Too many parents fail to remember they were kids once and how they behaved. Too many parents create a relationship where their child feels they can talk to their parents. It’s a gamble having a kid, as there is so much that you can’t control and can’t be blamed for (e.g. great parents but shitty child, or vice versa), yet you have to deal with it. I never talked to my parents about much, but there was enough involvement, fun, and positive things in my life to where I never got into any real trouble growing up.
Bad advice, as you were 9-13 and people of that age usually don’t have the life experience to conceal emotions. A lot of the “wearing heart on sleeve, react before thinking” stuff.
#7, you said it best. She needed love, guidance, and support. Her parents failed miserably in these regards.
Lets look at priorities.
In the “OMG, we must ban this and ruin people’s lives” category:
sexting
any sexual activity by people under 18
any drinking by people under 21
any marijuana
smoking
discussion of any of the above
being gay in the military
atheism
In the “bad, but lets not talk about it” category
Decades of pedophilia and sexual abuse in the roman catholic church
In the “it doesnt happen, so we don’t need to talk about it” category:
Wrongful imprisonment
Police corruption
Torturing people we don’t like
Killing people we don’t like
Well, that’s an approach to bullying that at least indicates to the kid unequivocally that they’ve got the parent’s 100% support, and it’s the bullies, rather than the victim that’s at fault. Due to my own experience, I can’t stress enough how important that is. When dealing with that, everything else is secondary to making it crystal clear that you, as the parent, are on your kid’s side and that the kid is not at fault.
Indeed, as every time they told me, it seemed to simple, and yet every time I had to put it to the test, I just couldn’t physically do it, which only served to reinforce my notion that I was the one with a problem that needed to be fixed.
#15 SJE:
The problem isn’t the act itself, it’s how it’s perceived by society. If this girl sent out a naked pic of herself, no matter how beautiful, intelligent, and talented she was, it would be hard for her to be, say, Miss USA. Just look at what happens to those who win beauty pageants and then sex tapes or naked pictures turn up.
The same can be said of those who admit to using drugs. If they try to run for a political office, there are always those who will see that as a character flaw and not vote for you based solely on that fact (regardless of how harmless smoking a joint can be).
Because of this, parents need to keep the best interest of their children in mind at all times. As stated before, they should talk to them and explain the situations and consequences as well as use punishments to reinforce their positions. Two 40-something parents might not know it all, but one teenager most definitely doesn’t. And, as stated above also, being a parent isn’t black-and-white or cut-and-dry. Two parents might find themselves in an identical situation but yet make two completely opposite decisions on how to handle their kids, and both be correct.
The parents shouldn’t feel bad at all. Children are State property. So are we all, for that matter. Who are we to tell the State how to dispose of its property?
The true crime in all of this is that the child usurped State authority by disposing of herself against the will of the State. For that her reputation must continue to pay for all of eternity.
Indeed. This is a positive way to approach the problem, and the one I’ll probably take if the problem ever falls in my lap.
Unfortunately, unlike you, I don’t think this is how her parents approached it. I think they probably approached it with the typical attitude of “all remotely sexual activities by all persons under the age of 18-21 are evil” and went from there. That’s certainly how my parents and the parents of my friends approached discovered activities of that nature. And that approach relies on invoking as much shame as possible in the kid for their evil deeds. Not exactly what we’d consider an optimal response.
It amazes me how many parents let their kids have a cell phone with text and photo capabilities, a computer and a TV with no supervision. The very first thing our daughter will be told before she ever gets online or receives a phone is that we will be monitoring everything she does and NEVER SEND ANYTHING OVER THE INTERTUBES YOU DON’T WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE. Never, ever trust a boy will follow shortly afterward…
But logically that means your daughter should never trust you, as you were once a boy. You’d have to explain that some boys, just as some girls, are not to be trusted for . The blanket “boy bad, girl good” just continues the horribly unfair and unrealistic notion that men are the root of all problems, and women are virtuous lilies whose sensibilities must be protected.
It doesn’t follow that “never trust a boy” = “never trust a man because they were once a boy” just like it doesn’t follow that “you should never leave a toddler alone near an open flame” = “never trust an adult near an open flame because they were once a toddler.”
Oh, wait, I forgot, you weren’t trying to be reasonable, you were trying to score more points for the He Man Woman Haterz Club.
Some of you guys really need to get a sense of humor.
“Because of this, parents need to keep the best interest of their children in mind at all times.”
But there are some parents who worry more about their own reputation and what their friends, neighbors, people at the church, etc.. might think.
#25 ??? You jump to mighty conclusions. I am simply pointing out one can’t give a blanket statement, because it will be interpreted by many (possibly your children) as just that, a blanket statement. Not all boys are overly curious, so you can’t honestly say “all boys”. You have to remember that you’re molding impressionable minds with children, who tend to take words very literally and can’t read between lines etc.
#28
I was responding primarily to your inane argument that Masshole’s comment would perpetuate the “horribly unfair and unrealistic notion that men are the root of all problems, and women are virtuous lilies whose sensibilities must be protected” – which, as near as I can realistically tell, is not a view shared by or expressed by anyone, but rather serves as a convenient cross for certain self-pitying men to martyr themselves on.
Thank you for the link, I left this comment there:
“This is, indeed, a sad story. I recently did an in-depth investigation into just how prevalent sexting is, and believe me, it is universal.
Also, am I the only one who is afraid to drive on the highway during the peak hours when inexperienced teens may be sexting and driving?”
I’m not going to word this well… and I doubt this will be very popular but I’ll give it a try.
Am I the only person who struggles with the constant double speak that is taking place in our society/culture– whatever? Consider the reaction to Adam Lambert (just one example) and how he has the freedom and the right to put on a sexually charged performance on regular TV. And how Hollywood, and the media in general (I know can I be more vague) will fight tooth and nail to continue to show Madonna kissing Britanny Spears and Christina Aguilera, the 3-some scene that made such a fuss in the teaser for Gossip Girl (I think that was the show)… yet at the same time tsk tsk a hormone ravaged girl or boy for doing what normal hormone ravaged boys and girls do- explore their sexuality. It’s like the message is “oohhhh sex yay! show more show more” but then the message is “oh dear, sex? No No No NO- shame shame shame you really should control yourself.”
I don’t know. I think it’s a mixed message. Yeah, being sexual and willing to flaunt anything and everything is cool, but just be sure you aren’t sexual and flaunting anything and everything because then you’ll be considered a freak. Unless your an actor, or musician.
Sorry if that’s meandering, this has bugged me for a while- I appeal to the super-smarts here to pick this apart. Thanks.
Can someone explain to me again exactly what the difference is between these people in the USA and the Taliban/Al Queida?
Much like the Democraps and Republicant’s, I just can’t tell.
#31
Well, in order for there to be a double standard, you have to compare two actions of the same party. Since “Hollywood” and/or “the media” didn’t ground this poor girl, didn’t expel her from school, didn’t tease and emotionally abuse her until she killed herself, I find it hard to uncover a double standard based upon the situations you’re asking us to compare.
Although I do think there’s a pretty clear double standard displayed by certain elements in the media that has no problem showing two “straight” women traditionally viewed as heterosexual sex objects making out on stage for the titillation of a straight male audience, but vigorously sanitizes images of a homosexual male engaging in the same behavior.
Anyone read the Scarlet Letter recently? Its good contemporary reading.
#35
Same with The Crucible. Just re-read that to help out a nephew with his homework.
I re-read my original post and I do come off as b*tching about a double standard. That wasn’t my intent. To me it seems like “we” want it both ways. We want to be able to express any and every form of sexuality and EVERYONE has to be open to it. Yet at the same time we don’t want anybody actually DO that or we will chastise and condemn them.
Different slant- How is it all of the girls on the Girls Gone Wild video’s aren’t out there killing themselves?
Reading the full news accounts at MSNBC, I can’t blame the parents who, I think, acted appropriately. And I notice that *no* criminal charges were brought against her. I think this case boils down more to a case of high school bullying (with perhaps, a lack of sympathy owing to the nature of her offense). The school did nothing to stop her harassment and didn’t inform her parents that she was a suicide risk.
I do agree that the media are missing the point. But the media always miss the damn point.
There is considerably more information about what happened here:
http://www.tampabay.com/news/humaninterest/article1054895.ece
I’ve been a child and adolescent psychologist for almost 20 years. This situation was complicated. It is not at all clear that the parents handled it poorly. We don’t know what conversations occurred between the parents and the child. We don’t know what, if anything, the parents knew of the intense bullying that occurred during the last week of school (before the school and the parents knew about the photos). We don’t know what the parents knew of the bullying during the week following Hope’s return to school–when she committed suicide. It is very possible that Hope’s parent’s had no idea of what was happening at school. Children don’t always reveal that they are being bullied. What we do know that the bullying was very intense during the last week of the preceding school year and the first week following Hope’s return to school.
We also know that the parents sought counseling for Hope during the summer after they learned about the photos. Yes, it was with a “Christian” counselor, but that doesn’t mean the counselor moralized about it or demeaned the girl. I’ve known quite a few pastoral counselors over the years and many have solid credentials and do admirable, professional work. They are not naive about kids and they understand the psychology of adolescent sexuality.
From what the Hope wrote in her journal, it appears that she was optimistic about her return to school and was looking forward to a fresh start after a bad end to the previous school year. That doesn’t sound like the parents had crushed her spirit.
It does appear, however, that the school’s decision to suspend Hope just before the new school year began was a great blow to her. Still, how that suspension played into the suicide isn’t clear. Having worked with many children, I can say that it is far more likely that the merciless humiliation she experienced with peers upon her return to school was far more likely to trigger a suicide than a school suspension. If she had not been suspended for the first week of school, she may very well have taken her life a week earlier.
The one aspect of the school conduct I would question is the response of a counselor who noticed that Hope was cutting (her arms) the day before her suicide. The counselor’s response (setting up a contract to talk with the counselor rather than engage in self-harm) is fairly standard practice in cases of cutting. Cutting does not indicate intent to commit suicide, but it is usually an indication of serious emotional distress. We don’t know if the counselor called the parents–he/she should have, but the story gives no indication of whether that occurred.
#31 | MattinCincy — “I appeal to the super-smarts here to pick this apart. Thanks.”
Being a self-anointed super-smart, I believe you are 100% correct. Great comment. Societal schizophrenia and sexual repression/expression are manifestations of the advanced nature of rot in American society.
Am I wrong or are these stories focused in the US? I don’t recall hearing sexting-causes-problems stories from Europe or Asia. Is the puritanical fear of sex the driver? Sure these kids may not be making the wisest decisions, but are pictures of our bodies really worthy of harassment and ridicule? I have a feeling that in a few years it’ll be so common that no one will care. It’s sad that kids will have died before people realise that it hardly matters in the big picture of anything. The argument always comes up about future employers, etc., however, if sexting becomes more and more common – I’m not convinced it isn’t already – is that going to matter? My only real fear is the perverts out there going after the underage children. That is a behavioural problem though, not a problem of technology.
The idea that sending a nude picture of yourself (lewd or not) should elicit anything more than idle comment from friends or acquaintances is evidence of the irrational attitude people in the U.S. have toward sex. Any way you slice it, nudity harms no one. In fact the only harm to befall someone from being seen naked is administered by the very people who warn against it. It’s like telling a kid that making faces at the dinner table will make their face hurt and then slapping them when they do it. The idiocy is almost unquantifiable.
Actually, Dave, the idiocy is very quantifiable: 1 dead kid.
Indeed this is tragic but it could have been prevented if parents played a more active role in their kid’s life. You can’t really control people from sending nude or semi-nude pictures of themselves. On the other hand, parents are responsible and should make sure what their kids are doing with their mobile phones whether they’re sexting or not.
Morality is a different story though.