I Blame Gay Marriage.

Thursday, April 3rd, 2008

Man caught having sex with picnic table. Fortunately, prosecutors have dropped the felony (!) charges.

Rick Santorum was right. Gay marriage has put us on the slippery slope to men having relations with deck furniture.

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37 Responses to “I Blame Gay Marriage.”

  1. #1 |  David | 

    What? How? I mean, there’s the umbrella hole in the middle, but aside from being a good way to get a splinter, a guy with a wang big enough to get adequate friction from that hole should be able to find a woman or a man.

  2. #2 |  Jim Collins | 

    Notice how a misdemenor becomes a felony just because the guy lives within sight of a school and that a minor “MIGHT” have seen him. I want to know why the neighbor wasn’t charged for taping him? I can guarentee that if that was a woman and I videotaped her I would be the one facing charges.

  3. #3 |  Dave Krueger | 

    We should be celebrating the man’s ingenuity rather than persecuting him for being innovative. Hell, way back before they were found to be essential to a normal meaningful relationship, strap-ons, spreaders, and gas masks were considered kinky. If we slap down everyone willing to lead the way to new sources of happiness, progress will come to a screeching halt and we might as well all become Baptists.

    As for the guy (or woman) who dropped the DVDs off at the police department, I have nothing god to say. His only redemption could be if he thought the guy was a public official (or a candidate for the Presidency).

  4. #4 |  Gospzha | 

    It was a metal table… no splinters. But I’m wondering about the mechanics of shrinkage because of using a metal table, outdoors, in Ohio in March.

    As for the neighbors, rather than turning the movies over to the police, they should have posted them on YouTube for appropriate ridicule, which is the greatest punishment this guy would receive in a free world that his actions, stupid or not, didn’t harm anyone.

  5. #5 |  Timothy | 

    Is it really “having sex with” a picnic table? Isn’t it more like “masturbating on a picnic table”?

  6. #6 |  UCrawford | 

    Wait…was it consensual? What do the Ohio statutes regarding table rape tell us?

  7. #7 |  Dave Krueger | 

    #5 Timothy
    Is it really “having sex with” a picnic table? Isn’t it more like “masturbating on a picnic table”?

    Masturbation is “having sex”, but with fewer participants.

  8. #8 |  Danno49 | 

    At least it can stand up on it’s own . . . unlike his mother’s mink coat that needed a bit of . . . help.

  9. #9 |  UCrawford | 

    Also, if somebody had previously spilled beer on the table, would that mean that the table was legally drunk and therefore incapable of giving consent? Was the table less than 18 years old? Does the moving of the table inside the house constitute a trafficking charge since it was done for purposes of sex?

    The legal questions abound :)

  10. #10 |  Nando | 

    I agree with Timothy in that it’s a form of masturbation and not intercourse. That being said, the man is being charged with four counts of public indecency, which means he was either doing it out on his deck/back yard or with his blinds/curtains open. He should know better than to masturbate on his deck/back yard and at least have the decency to close his curtains/blinds. Also, I’m assuming this took place four different times (hence the four charges) and it took 3 DVDs to fit it all? He must’ve been going at it for a while each time.

    However, assuming this was on private property, and not in plain view of the whole city, he should be allowed to do whatever he pleases in his own home (pun intended).

  11. #11 |  buzz | 

    UCrawford makes several valid points. I would add that it is unlikely that the table was manufactured in Ohio. Doesn’t this gentleman face charges from violation of the Mann act? While I dont know if he should face trafficking charges, kidnapping certainly applies. Unless the table was not forcibly picked up and moved inside against its will.

  12. #12 |  DaveT | 

    I looked around a bit more, apparently this guy has been prosecuted for being a peeping tom a few times in the 80′s or 90′s (one subject was a 14 year old girl and he was caught masturbating while watching her nude). And now he’s performing a sex act in view of a school. It seems clear what his ultimate intent is (even if it’s unlikely to succeed). You certainly can’t blame parents with kids for worrying, though the guy sounds like too much of a pansy to ever escalate things to outright kidnapping. Either way, this may be a legitimate criminal to worry about.

  13. #13 |  Wayne | 

    Very funny, but kind of sad. At least it didn’t happen in the garden department at Wal-mart. And there are other four-legged things he could have been doing that would have made this much more disturbing.

  14. #14 |  Leshrac | 

    Was I the only one to get an EHarmony Ad when I went to that linK? That was funnier than the story. Maybe that’s your answer if it was concensual, they were set up:)

  15. #15 |  ClubMedSux | 

    Sounds like DaveT is a shill for BigPatioFurniture.

  16. #16 |  RWW | 

    He’s not a criminal until he does something criminal.

  17. #17 |  UCrawford | 

    DaveT,

    In all seriousness, I agree with you that the peeping tom charges, which are often a stepping stone for sex offenders, indicate a potential for problems, but until he actually commits a crime (by which I mean he actually harms somebody else or their property) he’s not doing anything wrong and the police have no business pressing charges. Whatever his eventual intent may be, it’s not within the rights of the police to play mindreaders and attempting to prosecute people because one day they might commit a crime is an open invitation to tyranny.

    It’s supposed to be a free country…if you want to have sex with your lawn furniture, you should be able to have sex with your lawn furniture. Even if you live near a school zone in Ohio and even if your neighbors find it kind of disgusting.

  18. #18 |  Dave Krueger | 

    You guys have it all wrong. We ban stuff like that, not because it actually threatens anyone, but so we don’t have to answer a lot of embarrassing questions from our kids.

  19. #19 |  Lee Hamel | 

    #17, I call it “Minority Report” crimes. We’re moving in the direction of thought crimes, and arresting people based on what they technically COULD do. This means that all of us Citizen Nothings are serial rapists, murderers, etc. because we’re all technically capable of these acts.

    The politicians and police aren’t capable, as they are on a higher plain than the rest of us. We’re only Level 7 Douchebags, they’re all at least Level 42.

  20. #20 |  UCrawford | 

    Dave,

    You guys have it all wrong. We ban stuff like that, not because it actually threatens anyone, but so we don’t have to answer a lot of embarrassing questions from our kids.

    I would pay money to see a reality series where they showed emergency rooms treating people who got stuck while having sex with their lawn furniture, vaccuum cleaner, etc, ala “Cops”. That would be must-watch TV. :)

  21. #21 |  Danno49 | 

    After reading the responses, I feel compelled to mention a few pensive points with regards to my views on this incident.

    I have no problem with how ANYONE gets off with themselves or anyone else. That is an individual decision to be made by one and all. Or not at all. As long as it is consensual and does NOT involve children. These are basic principles that should be adhered to. It’s so basic, it really doesn’t need to be said. But I did, so there. I hardly think the guy needed permission to fuck his table. From anyone.

    The other shoe here may be if this person is doing it as to be noticed. Sexual acts are in essence, private things that really no one but those involved really want to witness. UNLESS they seek it out in the form of pr0n, live sex shows, etc. But I can say without any hint of sarcasm or irony in my tone that I do not wish to see my neighbor fucking anything. Now if I peer over their fence, it’s sort of a caveat emptor situation. There just may be something I don’t want to see going on over there.

    So, I offer this: IF the guy was doing this in full view of ANYONE without their having to gain access to the view (ie, dude is fucking is table in the front room with bay window curtains fully open exposing him to one and all) then yes, we have a crime here. Should it be a more heinous situation if children had witness to these acts? I’m not sure about that one. I’ll defer to better thinkers than I on that one.

    Consequently, if the voyeur (and they are voyeurs IMHO) who made the DVDs had to look over in the back yard to gain the footage then he/she could be charged with a crime themselves.

    Sure, a lot of what ifs, but I hope I have just laid down the common sense approach to this sort of thing.

  22. #22 |  DaveT | 

    I was under the impression that the picnic table in question was viewable from the school. If it was enclosed, well that’s a different matter then.

    However, what about a close packed suburban area where your entire backyard is easily visible from someone else’s second story windows? What right to privacy do you have there? None that I can fathom.

  23. #23 |  Dave Krueger | 

    I find it difficult to fathom the concept that someone can be charged with a crime simply for doing something I find objectionable within view of my window.

    I also doubt that everyone would suddenly be driven to do offensive things if it were suddenly “decriminalized”. I would rather laws like that were reserved for activities more threatening than someone fucking a table.

    Part of the problem with Americans’ obsession with sex, is their eagerness to utterly destroy someone’s life for almost any transgression, so he is lucky that they dropped the felony charge.

  24. #24 |  DaveT | 

    Your first paragraph makes sense in regard to relatively ordinary activities, but you can’t change a society’s mores overnight. Americans may not have the healthiest attitudes toward sex, but it is what it is. Unless an individual was trying to make a political statement (doubtful in this case), public displays of sex are a mark of “perversion” in our culture. Combine that with a history of peeping at 14 year olds, and this guy is definitely someone to keep an eye on. You’ll never convince any parent otherwise (I’m not a parent by the way, I’m just being realistic).

  25. #25 |  Danno49 | 

    #22 – Yup, Dave – that’s where it gets, if you’ll pardon the expression, sticky. I don’t know what you do from a truly free perspective. But I do know what I would do, close quarters or not.

    Keep my sexual escapades private.

    You know, this brings up a similar situation that I was privy to back in 1995.

    I had just started dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, God help her. She was renting a room in a large house with a family. I went over to pick her up from there for the first time and was asked to sit and have a cup of coffee and whatever with the mother and father of the family before we left for the evening. My guess is that although they were not related, they cared very much for my wife-to-be and wanted to make sure I wasn’t some weirdo. I’m not sure that my response to what they asked me gave them much hope to the contrary.

    As we sat at the table, the husband asked me if I noticed the house next door to them. How could I not? There was only a matter of feet between the two structures from where we sat separated by a chain link fence. Yes, the kind you can see through. He proceeded to tell me that one day a few weeks prior, they had all sat down to dinner one evening and could see their neighbor in the room directly adjacent to their dining room with a porno on. I could see the room and TV set quite clearly from where I sat through the chain link fence. The set was not turned on, but if it had been, I would have been able to see everything. So had the children. All 4 of them. The guy then tells me that he proceeded to go over to the guy’s house and demanded that he turn off the porno. He asked what I thought of what he did. I told him something along the lines of: didn’t you think to shut the curtains before going over there? He said he had not. I was flabbergasted. They left the curtains open and told the kids to exit the room, I gathered, while Daddy went over and made the bad man go away. I told him he had no right to demand the guy turn off his porno. I did tell him he should have closed the curtain and gone over and asked politely if it would be possible that he not show porn when he can see their family sitting down to the dinner table. Or respectfully request that he shut his own window.

    My response was not received well. It was a religious issue with them and while being fairly religious myself, I think the best way to make problems for you and your faith is to drag it into every argument there is. They felt that they were obligated to tell this guy to stop what he was doing and that he was wrong. Never mind the harm they thought it might do their children. I told them I felt that the neighbor was wrong for not showing a bit of respect for his neighbors but their opinions of his viewing habits were none of their concern.

    It wasn’t very long thereafter that my bride-to-be made new living arrangements.

    I’m not sure exactly how this applies here but this table incident made me think of what happened all those years ago.

  26. #26 |  Danno49 | 

    “Or respectfully request that he shut his own window.”

    That should read:

    “Or respectfully request that he shut his own curtains.”

  27. #27 |  mgordon | 

    Was it hot? the picnic table that is.

  28. #28 |  UCrawford | 

    Danno,

    “Or respectfully request that he shut his own curtains.”

    I think that your proposed solution to the issue was both fair and reasonable. That’s why it doesn’t surprise me that extremely religious people who are nosy enough to insinuate themselves into the dating life of one of their tenants wanted nothing to do with it.

    One of the reasons that I began questioning my own religion when I was young, which eventually pushed me towards atheism, was the fact that I met so many very religious people who used their beliefs as an excuse to be complete and utter assholes to anyone who wasn’t the same as them. I realize that a great number of, probably most, religious people aren’t that way, but there were enough of them to convince me that if I were going to be condemned to Hell for questioning whether God exists, giving up a heaven populated with people like that wasn’t going to be a major sacrifice :)

  29. #29 |  UCrawford | 

    And your anecdote applies to this story because rather than talking to their neighbor to request that he please refrain from doing what he did in view of the neighborhood, they clandestinely videotaped him and tried to use a fairly bullshit law to get him thrown in jail just so they wouldn’t have to be uncomfortable confronting him for what boils down to little more than rudeness.

    It’s people like that wot cause unrest.

  30. #30 |  James D | 

    #20,

    Tall to someone who works in an ER …. like my sister. Apparently they average like 3 people a day who come in with strange things shoved up their ass. I’m not so sure that would make for great TV.

  31. #31 |  old | 

    Dave Krueger April 3rd, 2008 at 8:52 am

    If we slap down everyone willing to lead the way to new sources of happiness, progress will come to a screeching halt and we might as well all become Baptists.

    You are just a dilettante as far as Jesus goes if you are not handling snakes.

  32. #32 |  DaveT | 

    I questioned my religion (Catholicism) when I was young for the simplest of reasons. Overall, I never felt the touch of God or any answer to prayers. In the 9th grade (Earth Science) I learned about the big bang, and in the 10th grade (Biology I) I learned about evolution. Shortly thereafter while on the phone with a girl I was trying to impress, I enunciated a thought that had grown within me, that the big bang and evolution neatly explained the origins of life without the need for any kind of God. I was a self-declared atheist soon after. Incidentally, the girl *was* impressed. Unfortunately my atheism was incredibly naive and I suffered a bout of protestant Christianity in my early 20′s (while at college, embarrassingly) settling down to a more informed atheism thereafter.

    What does this have to do with the topic again?

  33. #33 |  UCrawford | 

    DaveT,

    What does this have to do with the topic again?

    Probably not that much, but I ran out of clever things to say about people who hump picnic tables and it was an interesting tangent :)

  34. #34 |  Danno49 | 

    DaveT

    What does this have to do with the topic again?

    They say one should never discuss sex, politics or religion in polite company. We were discussing the first two already. I just figured it was time to introduce the final integer into this band of ruffians. ;)

    Perhaps I misspoke when I said I was fairly religious. I am actually more of a spiritual and faith-driven person . . . two qualities I find lacking (not non-existent) in most religions. At least for my evolving (I’d like to think) way of thinking. I questioned my Catholicism in my youth. Left it and came back when I was 30 and I credit it with saving my life. Now, some 13 years later, I find myself questioning aspects of it again, yet this time from quite the different of age, and hopefully, wisdom. I think it is a good thing to question one’s own faith. It keeps you on track of who you really are inside. I am still on that journey and am certain i will be until the day I day. However, I am no longer afraid that my questioning will lead to my ultimate damnation.

    Some of you may remember me fervently defending the church in my first days of posting here years ago. I have since learned quite a bit. About myself, the world and life in general. I still stand by what I said, but I think I would have toned my language down, if I would have entered the fray at all.

    I probably won’t say much after this thread about my views. I have been subscribing to the Frank N theory of comment posting as of late. I find it is much better for my blood pressure. But I am guessing from time to time, a post like this will come up and I won’t be able to keep my yapper shut. To one and all’s dismay I am sure.

    Just know that I am respectful of all opinion whether they be of my own, similar or not even close. And I always learn something by reading Radley’s work and the comments here.

  35. #35 |  Andrew Williams | 

    My wife once said, “I’m so horny I could fuck a tree.” Not to me, though. Prozac took care of that. Thanks loads, Eli Lilly.

  36. #36 |  Biggus Dickus | 

    Was money exchanged during this alleged sex? And if so, which one was the “John”?

  37. #37 |  dave.s. | 

    This was in the Calgary Sun. The title of the article was “Best Comeback
    Line Ever.”
    > >
    > >
    > >In summary, the police arrested Ward Branham, a 22-year-old white male,
    > >resident of Lethbridge, Alberta, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on
    > >Friday. Ward will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
    > >indecency, and public intoxication at the Calgary courthouse on Monday.
    > >
    > >The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
    > >stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no
    > >one around there for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in
    > >a phone interview. Ward went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
    > >the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
    > >purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”
    > >
    > >”I guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evident
    > >embarrassment.
    > >
    > >In the process, Ward apparently failed to notice a police car approaching
    > >and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brin Taylor approached him.
    > >
    > >”It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said of Officer Taylor. “I
    > >walked up to (Ward) and he’s …. just working away at this pumpkin.”
    > >Taylor went on to describe what happened when SHE approached Ward. “I just
    > >went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing
    > >a pumpkin?’”
    > >
    > >He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
    > >me straight in the face and said … “A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight
    > >already?”

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