TheAgitator.com
I Get Email
Thursday, January 3rd, 2008One of the stranger messages I’ve ever received:
I read foxnews.com everyday. I see your name on the site each day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ??? !!! RADLEY BALKO ??? !!! it hurts my eyes just to look at it ! what the hell kind of name is that ? ! i won’t read your writings because of it.
it may be illogical, but humans are hard-wired regarding many things that they like and dislike. ugliness for one. most people can agree what is ugly, and your weird name is certainly high up on that list.
YES, it’s THAT bad ! many writers change their names to write. i suggest you do the same. perhaps then others and myself may read your writings. I changed my name more than 20 years ago and have never regretted it.
May I suggest George Sand or George Eliot. I believe those pen names are no longer being used.
Sincerely, (trying to help)
Daniel P. Christopher
Patchogue, Long Island
I think I’ll start writing as “George Eliot” just for fun.
Eppie in the coal hole!
Patchogue? What a dumb name for a town. I wouldn’t live there because of it.
This coming from a guy with a first name for a last name?
Methinks he changed his name to Daniel Christopher from Homer Simpson. At least he shows the same level of mentality as Homer.
Actually, Max Power *would* be a much better pen name than Radley Balko.
Don’t the young people use the word “rad” to describe something that’s cool? That would seem to confer some measure of coolness to your name. Of course, my first name is “Eugene”, so maybe I’m not in the best position to judge. Then again, my middle name is “Christopher”, so maybe I’m more suited to judge whether a guy is a total douchebag. As Mr. Christopher certainly appears to be.
This is the kind of email you start writing in a fit of sarcastic inspiration, and by the time you are halfway through, realize how pointless and stupid it is… but you’ve already put so much time into it, why not send it?
What we need is to help Radley out with this.
How about:
Reginald Briehauer?
I don’t think “Long Dong Silver” is in use anymore either, Radley. How’d you like that one?
Radley Balko. One of the coolest names I’ve ever read. Right up there with Vermin Kol.
Skip, yes, “George Sand.” You should, of course, take the name of Gamiani. It does imply so much more… of a sophistication.
A Radley by any other name……
… would be less Googleable. The Agitator received a very strange email today complaining about his name:
I read foxnews.com everyday. I see your name on the site each day. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ??? !!! RADLEY BALKO ??? !!! it hurts my eyes just to…
I’m partial to Radley Golightly.
This is reminiscent of an old Doonesbury strip where the White House Press Corps attempted to convince Jerry terHorst to change his last name because it looked like a typographical error.
I believe their suggestions were “Smith”, “Kojak”, and “Trigger”. And I gotta say Radley Kojak…sounds like the punchline to one of those “I. P. Freely” jokes.
Alternate wiseass comment:
MAX POWER! He’s the man with name you’d like to touuuuuuuuch. But you mustn’t TOUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!…
if ever i can summon enough wit and wisdom to write something, i’m going to use the pen name “Greg Wildebeeste”
The thing Mr. Christopher doesn’t understand is that it is only spelled “Radley Balko.” It’s pronounced “Throat-warbler Mangrove.”
Throat Warbler Mangrove…
That would be the coolest name ever for a porn movie or porn star…Period.
Someone doesn’t like those non-serious “foreign” last names.
Daniel P. Christopher changed his name “more than 20 years ago and ha[s] never regretted it”. What odds that this is the *real* Herschel Krustofsky?
Good thing he doesn’t know your middle name…
He’s from long island. I bet he has one of those thick new york accents. Ugh I hate those. Like nails on a chalkboard.
Which science fiction author came up with “Radley Balko”? For what sort of character?
supergee has the right answer: a minor functionary in an Asimov story.
I think that you should use “Trogdor”.
Ah, the familiar internet genre of “it may be illogical, but humans are hard-wired [to have exactly the prejudices I hold]!” Ain’t bullshit genetics wonderful?
And we allow people that stupid to vote.
I believe the writer is correct, and you should immediately change your name. Allow me to suggest some alternatives: William Powers, Willard Catcher, Barney Noble, Amy Zone.
Alternately, you can take the Ellis Island route: Something like Ronald Black. Much less Slovack, so therefore so much more acceptable to Fox sensibilities.
/snark.
“I changed my name more than 20 years ago and have never regretted it.”
Seriously? And that’s the best you could do? I guess it’s better than Alan Smithee, but not by much.
Oh, and for the record, I think “Radley Balko” is a perfectly cromulent name.
“He’s from long island. I bet he has one of those thick new york accents. Ugh I hate those. Like nails on a chalkboard.”
I think they’re great. One of the girls I work with sounds like Marissa Tomei. “It’s called disclosure, ya dickhead!”
The guy is a kook who obviously thinks that all people should have two first names. Radley Balko is a good name. Not dull like George Elliot. I love cool names. A woman a used to work with was named Earlie Oliver-White. And there’s a photographer named Sanders McNew. Exceptional names.
How about Bradley Ralko?
Upon Googling, I discover that Jim Henley already named you Bradley Ralko way back in 2002…
http://www.highclearing.com/archivesuo/week_2002_11_24.html#003340
I dub thee “Vladamir Estragon”. Make of it what you will mister Balko.
And I admit every time I read “Balko” I mutter to myself “All es klar herr kommisar?” And I know it’s Falco and not Balko.
Good to see that Raymond Luxury Yacht (spelled…pronounce Throat Warbler Mangrove) has already been referenced. Throw my vote in for “Rockefeller Q. Einstein”, though.
Radley Balko is an interesting original name that sticks in your head. What kind of jerk changes his name to sound better and picks two first names? Moron.
LMAO…I MISSED that part. You mean this idiot CHANGED his name and THAT is what he picked? Why not just go with John Smith and leave it at that?
And in all honesty…if you don’t read Radley because his name upsets you, you probably wouldn’t understand 90% of what he writes anyway so maybe it’s better that you avoid reading so as not to confuse yourself.
I can already hear the conversation in my mind….”I’m going to read some Stephen King tonight! I don’t really like Stephen King…but he’s got a really nice, simple name…so I’ll read him…screw this Ayn Rand book…what kind of name is that? I’m not reading THAT garbage.
Get the feeling that people think you’re a major idiot there Chris?…sorry….Dan?
I just want to point out that “Agitatrix” invokes connotations of a very scary medical condition.
Oh, and this “Christopher” person is one of the most reeeeemarkable waterheads I’ve seen in a long time. That’s really something.
Hopefully it is not contagious.
The etymology of “Agitatrix” is Latin; the feminine of agitātor.
Russ Roberts of Cafe Hayek appointed the Agitatrix in 2004.
Guy goes befors a judge and says, “Judge, I want to legally change my name.”
Judge says, “What’s your name?”
Guy says, “Joe Shit.”
Judge says, “I can understand why you want to change your name. What do you want to change it to?”
“Charlie Shit.”
Now I’m thinking about the joke at the beginning of Silkwood, which is not only awesome but has resonance within the movie.
You could use the pseudonym Mrs. Silence Dogood. I doubt Ben would care.
Go for Daniel, P Christopher for your naughty writings. Then every future employer or credit bureau check for your Sincere Emailing Critic will pull them up every time he tries to change jobs and/or borrow money.
I hated my name growing up - that is until I discovered girls thought it was cool and I had to convince them it wasn’t a made up stage name.
Radley Balko is an unforgettable name. If you must change your name, just add “St.” in front of Balko. (Radley St. Balko: sounds regal, yes?) Then you can have all the fun I enjoy while explaining to government/bureaucratic functionaries just how to find that name in their database. Just tell them to look under “Stbalko, Radley.”
Sincerely,
Stjohn, Noel
Hmmm… interesting. I starting coming here because I LIKE the name Radley Balko…
get straight man, how’s Rad-B