Chuck Norris Is a Giant Pussy

Wednesday, December 26th, 2007

First, tough guys don’t mess with politics.  And if they do, they don’t endorse Nanny Statist Baptist ministers.  I can see the PSAs now.  “Hi, I’m Chuck Norris.  And I’d like to talk to you about your waistline.”

But endorsing Huckabee isn’t even the worst of it.  One think I’m sure real tough guys certainly don’t do is go whining to a judge when someone parodies them.  Particularly when said parody is about being a tough guy.  Norris has pretty clearly benefited from the “Chuck Norris facts” meme.  In fact, he’s helped perpetuate it.  So it’s a little disappointing that once someone had the good sense to package the facts into a book, Norris decided to sue.

The book capitalizes on “mythical facts” that have been circulating on the Internet since 2005 that poke fun at Norris’ tough-guy image and super-human abilities, the suit said.

It includes such humorous “facts” as “Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried” and “Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits,” the suit said, as well as “Chuck Norris can charge a cell phone by rubbing it against his beard.”

“Some of the ‘facts’ in the book are racist, lewd or portray Mr. Norris as engaged in illegal activities,” the lawsuit alleges.

Norris, who rose to fame in the 1970s and 1980s as the star of such films as “The Delta Force” and “Missing in Action,” says the book’s title would mislead readers into thinking the facts were true.

That extraordinarily lame last line I’d guess is an effort to get around the fact the book is an obvious parody, and therefore protected by the Supreme Court’s ruling in Hustler v. Falwell.

I don’t see this working out for Norris.  I doubt, for example, that a court is going to find that people might mistake for actual fact statements like, “Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano,” or that, “Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands; They are now merely called, ‘The Islands,'”  or, “Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.”  If Chuck Norris thinks people might actually believe this stuff, maybe Chuck Norris has spent too much time reading about Chuck Norris on the Internets.

Of course, all of this just proves that Chuck Norris is no Charles Bronson.  And he’s certainly no Bruce Schneier.

Hell, he’s barely even a Steven Seagal.

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17 Responses to “Chuck Norris Is a Giant Pussy”

  1. #1 |  Persona non grata | 


    Of course, all of this just proves that Chuck Norris is no Charles Bronson. And he’s certainly no Bruce Schneier.

    Hell, he’s barely even a Steven Seagal.

    He is Walker Texas Ranger.

  2. #2 |  Woog | 

    I don’t agree with his political endorsement(s), but if he has a problem with some unrelated third party making a buck off his name (and presumably not giving him a cut), an applied roundhouse kick is going to get even Chuck Norris in trouble.

    Then there’s this matter: “”Some of the ‘facts’ in the book are racist, lewd or portray Mr. Norris as engaged in illegal activities,” the lawsuit alleges.” Perhaps he just doesn’t want his name used for profit in such endeavors, which, again, sadly, usually involves lawyers.

  3. #3 |  Psion | 

    “He is Walker Texas Ranger.”

    Great … he’s the tough guy on the Hallmark channel. I guess that puts him a cut above the tough guy on Lifetime or Oxygen, though.

  4. #4 |  PJ Doland | 

    The lawsuit is probably just a PR stunt. In the end, it’s a win/win that will probably help sell more books while enhancing Norris’ celebrity.

  5. #5 |  Episiarch | 

    Of course, all of this just proves that Chuck Norris is no Charles Bronson.

    Well, duh. Nobody is.

    “Is this Branson, Missouri?”

    “No, this is Bronson, Missouri.”

    “Hey ma, can I get some cookies?”

    “No dice.”

    “‘Dis ain’t over.”

  6. #6 |  Nando | 

    Did you guys know that Chuck Norris doesn’t read books? He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    BTW, if you go to http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com, you will see there is a list of “facts” that Chuck has endorsed and which are his favorites. He can have no beef with this guy’s book.

  7. #7 |  bob | 

    Here’s a Will it Blend? video on Chuck Norris.

  8. #8 |  Stormy Dragon | 

    >Hell, he’s barely even a Steven Seagal.

    Chuck Norris is half the man Steven Segal is.

    I don’t mean in terms of martial arts ability, I mean that Steven Segal weighs twice as much.

  9. #9 |  Sam | 

    Nobody, but nobody, is Charles Bronson.

  10. #10 |  Greg Newburn | 

    I’m not sure Hustler v. Falwell protects the book publisher here. First, while Norris is a famous person, he’s not necessarily a “public figure” in the same way Falwell or, say, a politician might be. Second, even if he were a public figure, this book seems to satisfy both elements of the Hustler test, to wit, 1) a false statement of fact 2) made with knowledge that the statement was false or with reckless disregard as to whether or not it was true.

    But more importantly (it’s been years since I read it, but I think I’m right here), Hustler was about an IIED claim. I don’t think it touches on other claims (e.g., appropriation/right of publicity, which seems to be the basis for the lawsuit anyway).

    I don’t know which way this case will go (it very well could be tossed for some of the reasons you cite, but I’d be surprised if it didn’t make it past summary judgment). But it seems a little cavalier to simply cite Hustler and pretend this book is completely immune from lawsuit.

  11. #11 |  Greg Newburn | 

    One more thing. This lawsuit just proves that Tim Tebow, about whom similar “facts” have been floating around the Internet for over a year now, is a much, much better person than Norris.

  12. #12 |  Christopher Wilson | 

    @Greg Newburn

    Chuck Norris is a celebrity and household name. Therefore he is a household figure. Let me put it this way, if your libel lawsuit makes the paper, you’re a public figure. The veracity of this case will be determined solely on whether or not the book meets the definition of parody or satire.

    Oh, and one way of meeting said definition? Hyperbole. “Chuck Norris once punched someone in the soul.” pretty much covered their asses on this once.

    If Chuck was smart, he would’ve just insisted on a small royality — in fact, if he’s at all smart, that’s what he’ll settle for.

  13. #13 |  Veritas | 

    “Chuck Norris Is a Giant Pussy”

    I’d love to see you try and kick his ass. Then we’d see who’s the real pussy.

  14. #14 |  perspicue | 

    OK, you guys.
    Chuck was/is a tough guy.
    So what?
    You’re a giant pussy for idolizing him.
    That’s why they call it “latent” homosexuality.
    Go out and be it, don’t just be a fanboy about those who do.

  15. #15 |  The Smartest Man in the World | 

    Check out this video of chuck promoting teaching the bible in public schools as fact. That’s not why he is a pussy, although it (and his lisp) doesn’t help, but that alone is not enough. He is a pussy because of the way he acts in the video. Also, just so theres no confusion, he is an idiot.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pnFg0Sp2Xw

  16. #16 |  CNorris | 

    The fact that he is appearing in campaign ads make him a public figure. Also, acting is an occupation. They even have a union, remember? I’m sure Norris is a spokesperson for some of his various causes. Falwell was no different, he was a minister, but he was also headed various other endeavors that were not necessarily Sunday preaching type events. Chuck Norris has no case.

  17. #17 |  Ironic... | 

    Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norris’ ass…several times.

    FACT.

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