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I Blame Gay Marriage

Friday, July 16th, 2004

Per this week’s brilliant Onion article on frantic searches for an obesity “cure,” I thought I’d do a quick rummage through my files to see just how close life and satire have gotten. Pretty doggone close.

Wanna’ know what causes obesity? Well, I’ll tell you…

Too much television. Oh wait. I mean genetics. Did I say genetics? I meant technology. No, no, no. It’s all about ethnicity. Actually, it’s all that subsidized high fructose corn syrup in our diets. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s because our kids don’t roller skate enough. Or because they throw too many temper tantrums. It’s because we spend too much time in the car. It’s because we eat too much sugary food. Or because we eat too much sugar-free food. It’s too much fruit juice. It’s the parents’ fault. It’s because of binge drinking.

Okay. Nix all of that. Want to know the real, number one cause of obesity?

It’s….

John Derbyshire take note….

Buggery!

It’s time we ended the obesity crisis by…er…passing the Federal Marriage Amendment.

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This entry was posted on Friday, July 16th, 2004 at 11:17 am by Radley Balko and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

12 Responses to “I Blame Gay Marriage”

  1. #1 |  Evan Williams |  July 16th, 2004 at 12:28 pm

    My favorite quote is this one from the cattlenetwork piece on technology causing obesity:

    “One thing is for sure: all the attention paid to the rising obesity trend is warranted.”

    Oh, well, now that we cleared THAT up, let’s move on to the various ways in which the State will wipe its ass with the constitution in order to fight this here “epidemic”.

    A sure sign of a weak debater is one who wontonly dismisses a highly debateable issue as already concluded.

  2. #2 |  Evan Williams |  July 16th, 2004 at 12:35 pm

    What a cash cow this has turned into for weak-ass “journalists” looking to “report” on some dubious claim made by some “expert”. Good gawd, why is this so hard:

    Obesity is caused by YOUR LIFESTYLE. Get over it. It’s not cars, it’s not TV, it’s not fruit roll-ups, it’s not gays. It’s the sum of all the choices that you make regarding physical activity and diet.

    Now fuck off and go do some real work, all you “journalists” and “experts. That’s what I’m gonna do now, cuz my lunch break is over.

  3. #3 |  actually |  July 16th, 2004 at 12:54 pm

    I hope your lunch included some mild sedatives/tranquilizers.

    And possibly a salad.

    :-)

  4. #4 |  actually |  July 16th, 2004 at 1:02 pm

    this will throw a stick in your spokes

  5. #5 |  Ryan Seals |  July 16th, 2004 at 1:31 pm

    The clear thinking Lord Tebbit suggests that wives are “virtually pressurised” [sic] into starting a career.

    Ouch.

  6. #6 |  Danno49 |  July 16th, 2004 at 1:32 pm

    Ha. Bush is gay. Christians are stuffy and hateful. I get it. Fairly pedestrian satire. There were a few funny things, though. Like . . . on second thought, it just wasn’t that funny.

    Not exactly a stick in my spokes, but it did help me kill a few minutes of down time. Thanks, actually! = :)

  7. #7 |  Danno49 |  July 16th, 2004 at 1:58 pm

    Anyway . . . I did find it rather amusing that the cattle folks were trying to link technology with obesity.

    X-Box: It’s what’s for dinner!

  8. #8 |  Bernard |  July 16th, 2004 at 5:04 pm

    To be fair, the buggery article is ridiculous in a slightly different way to the others.

    Most of them are clutching at any straw possible to try to push the blame for obesity away from the individual. The buggery one, on the other hand, is hijacking the issue to attack the government for ‘promoting’ homosexuality.

    Unlike the rest, it’s more Falwellesque scaremongering than Michael Mooresque ‘blame the government for everything’ demagoguery.

  9. #9 |  Aaron Bolner |  July 16th, 2004 at 9:50 pm

    I know exactly what the cause of my obesity was. I sat on my duff and did nothing in college while I ate and ate and drank all that was available at the dining hall.

    A year later, all I had to do was not eat as much and actually get out and do something – just simple things like “walk a mile or two four days a week’ – and I lost fifty pounds.

    Weight loss, in most cases, is far from rocket science. Don’t eat so damn much, and do something. The finger-pointing about this absolutely amazes and sickens me.

  10. #10 |  Fatty Gonzales |  July 17th, 2004 at 4:09 pm

    I’m obese and I’m FABULOUS!

    Fatty Gonzales

  11. #11 |  Ms. Dani |  July 17th, 2004 at 5:33 pm

    The worst thing about categorizing obesity as a disease {to me} is that now the govt will start implementing or rather forcing us to workout a certain number of hours per week, or they will start limiting the number of calories we are legally allowed to eat each day, all in the name of “we’re saving your ass cause you’re too stupid to do it yourself”ism. Crap. And then we will begin paying for POOR fat people to workout and eat right cause they cant afford to do it themselves. AAAHHHHH!
    Oh wait, I see one benefit, subsidized fitness memberships. Woohoo!

  12. #12 |  Erik |  March 10th, 2006 at 3:40 am

    It’s not a desease of course. That’s most of all trash food. And that’s mostly american problem. On top of that when people see that their not the only ones with that problem they begin to think that’s it’s the way it should be