TheAgitator.com
Return to Tyranny of the Twit
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004Revisiting an old theme, Waxy.org plays the Amazon knee-jerk contratrian game, where you seek out the most asinine one-star Amazon.com reviews of consensus classics.
A few of my favorites…
Of Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue:
“If pretension, tedium, and self-indulgence are your idea of what should animate music, then this is the album and Miles Davis is the ‘artist’ for you.”
Of the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds:
“It’s full of bland harmonizing by guys that could barely swim.”
Of Bob Dylans’ Highway 61 Revisited
“He set the precedent that doomed rock ‘n roll to always being a semantic eunuch.”
Of John Coltrane’s A Love Supreme:
“Nobody will care about the technical achievements of these guys in 100 years.”
Of Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane
“Please stop the hype on Citizen Kane. It doesn’t work. It’s like you are trying to convince people that poop smells good.”
Of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby:
“Anyone who is an ancestor to that worthless excuse of an American novelist should be offered sincere consoling and extreme sympathies.”
Here are a few I found of my own…
Of Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird:
“…about as deep as a rain puddle. ”“…one of the most overrated and hyped books of our time. It’s an uneven paste-job of short stories and pieces by Harper Lee promoted by her liberal New York publishing friends.”
“I can’t say enough negative things about this book. It takes place in the South, shortly after the slaves were freed. It’s told from the point of view of an 8-year-old (that alone should tell you how stupid this book is) and is written as she would talk.”
Of Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita:
“In my mind Lolita is nothing more than trash wrapped up in a pretty package by a famous writer. People continue to be drawn to it (men mostly, I suspect) by its titillating subject and Nobokov’s reputation as a writer. They use the excuse of “good literature” to read a lurid book that they otherwise would be too embarassed to pick up. It provides little else but mental masturbation and is nothing more than an arrogant, self indulgent exercise in language manipulation.”
Of Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment:
“There aren’t very many books that I can’t finish, and I am a bit embarassed to admit that this was one of them. After I got halfway through the book I determined that it was named Crime and Punishment for a reason. The Crime was him writing the book, and the Punishment was my reading it.”“Less enjoyable than a bowl of warm mayonaise.”
Of Agitator.com favorite movie Hoosiers:
“This film starts out promisingly with some beautiful photography showing Indiana in the fall. It soon bogs down to repetitious basketball footage and cliche characters going about their wretched lives pointlessly. If you like shots of basketballs bouncing off of backboards, this film might be entertaining. To me, it was like being hit in the face continually with a basketball for the better part of two hours.Oh well, it beats watching the NBA. “
Of the movie Cool Hand Luke:
“Let’s be honest here – if your teenage kid got drunk and ripped out a bunch of parking meters, wouldn’t you think it was a really stupid thing to do ? If he let a bigger kid beat him silly, would you think him heroic, or lacking good judgment ? Would you consider your kid praiseworthy for eating 50 eggs ? So why do these absurd actions make Luke (who is supposedly an adult) such a hero in the eyes of this film’s fans ?”
Of The Velvet Underground & Nico:
“I’ve listened to this album repeatedly, and I just don’t like it. Why should I settle for a band with very little musical talent? There are so many other bands that have good songwriting AND talent to spare that I don’t see the point of dripping praise upon Andy Warhol.I wonder if anybody has ever compared Velvet Underground to Phish. I think this comparison perfectly demonstrates the difference between bands with opposite levels of talent.”
“This is one of the worst albums I have ever heard in my life; the singing is horrible and the lyrics are insipid…”
Is this how Christopher Hitchens got started?
Ha! My favorite quote was in reference to Norah Jones, “Come Away With Me”:
“This is 100% rectum.”
I will be using that phrase ASAP.
I hate to admit it, but I’m with the guys who thought _Catcher in the Rye_ was a big pile of turd in a cover.
And I Thought I Was Negative For No Good Reason
Some of my favorites out of the mammoth “Amazon Contrarian” thread over at Waxy.org (pointed there via The Agitator). New ones are being added every moment. I fear that I might despair were I to plumb the depths of know-nothingism,…
My favourites were the two reviews of the Complete Works of Shakespeare.
‘It’s HORRIBLE! IT IS BY FAR THE WORST BOOK I HAVE READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!….’
jazz musicians are more pretentious and self indulgent than other types of musicians.
probably because most people dont “get it”. me being one of them.
Oh my. I looked up Tori Amos’ Little Earthquakes, the album that in a small way saved my life when I was just a wee thing of 15. Now it’s a bit too angst-ridden for my happy self, but I recognize its place in the halls of fantabulous music.
Here’s what some other folks had to say about it:
“Can we all say “no talent Kate-Bush ripoff” kiddies? Yes, I thought you could…. ”
From the Department of Missing the Point: “I don’t understand what all the appeal is about this woman. I don’t see any “depth” to her lyrics except whining about the past. Now, if this woman were to write songs about >overcoming
I noticed that was a thread running through many of these reviews–the idea that the point of art is to make you happy, and so if you don’t walk away skipping and whistling a happy tune, it’s bad art. It was especially rich to see that attitude embedded in a bad review of, yes, “Brave New World.”
Bronwyn,
Have you ever heard Y Kant Tori Read? All Music Guide has a great write-up of Myra Ellen (“Tori”) Amos’ first band; judging from the artists that the deluded Amazon reviewer admires, she’d probably get a real kick out of it… Imagine Warrant with a female singer…
Joe,
I’ve heard some of the tracks, and actually thought they were pretty cool. Of course, I heard them from the standpoint of someone who knows Amos’ work very well – albums and live. From that POV, it was just enlightening to see where she’d come from, musically.
I think would just die if Tori Amos shook her li’l bootie at any of her concerts I’ve attended. Yes, I think it would kill me.
That would be as bad as Dylan singing in key or, worse, Paul Simon handing his rhythm over to a *gasp* drum machine!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again . . .
Maybe the Bell Curve theory isn’t just a theory.
How about this 1 star review for Schindler’s List?
Oh the poor jews and those awful, evil white people. Where’s my violin? Oh, I don’t need one: Itzak Perlman plays his for the score. This movie is another pathetic, boring, piece of propaganda about those 6 million (a grossly exaggerated figure) deaths during WW2. 52 million people died in this war, folks and genocide has happened throughout history, yet all we hear about time and again is those poor, innocent, wonderful people – the jews. I’m sick of it. If you want to see what Nazi Germany was really like, buy the documentary – yes, documentary as in “real life” – “Triumph of the Will”.
2 Stars for The Godfather:
I dunno why everybody likes “The Godfather” somuch. It’s a boring hype, with not enough action…. just because of the cast.
From the music dept. . .
A 1 star review for Led Zeppelin I
This album like any other Led Zeplin album is poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo poo
A 1 star review for the Eagles Hotel California:
YAAAWWWWNNNN!!
Someone please wake me up when this album is over!
Sorry, I tried to like it, but impossible, it sounds like every old rock band out there. Where is the originality??
These bands don’t offer you anything musically, so try something fresh, like say, Madonna, Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake!
This has got to be one of the funnest things to do on the web.
Do you feel that sometimes you may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer? Play the Amazon knee-jerk contratrian game! Renew your faith in your own intelligence and artistic tastes!
has anyone tried picking some shitty album and read the 5 star comments?
Michael,
Try The Shaggs.
michael . . . you beat me to it. I was thinking a reverse version of this is in order. After a trial run, though, it’s not nearly as entertaining. I’ll have to research further at home.
I had to do this with Asimov’s “Foundation”.
The majority of the 1-star reviews said it was dry and the characters were flat. Two complained that it seemed to be several short stories thrown together into a novel, and another that it read like old pulp science fiction.
Several more complained that the technology was old, that “atomics” were an outdated science, yet a futureistic galaxy still used it. One person said they read like 1960′s detective stories.
Not terribly suprising for a group of stories originally published in 1940′s pulp magazines, shortly before we dropped the first atomic bomb. It’s called “classic sci-fi” for a reason.
You’re right, this is an amusing activity.
This is my favorite. This is for Robert Louis Stevensons Kidnapped. “This book was very confusing at parts and very hard to understand maybe if Robert Louis Stevenson had spoken in plan english the book would have been a whole lot better. Even though I am sure this is an old book. I hope. :)”
JamGrrl . . you got me thinking about other classic sci-fi. BTW, I have read the Foundation series again recently and find that it stands up very well to the test of time. These ‘Matrixheads’ won’t ever get it . . . as evidenced by this 1 star review of Dune:
I love to read and have read many many books during my 20 years on this earth and after reading this book I must say it is overrated. Frank Herbert is an extremely horrible writer. He goes on and on and on about itand no one cares about and it takes him forever to get to a point. He tries to get all religious and philosophical a lot but it just comes off as very very boring and it is a chore, at times, to read this book. He puts way too much detail.
The dumbest part about this book is that he makes up a lot of words that don’t even exist so in the back of the book is a glossary of terms to tell you what the in the [heck] he is talking about. Look, if you have to put a glossary in the back of a book so readers will understand you, then you know your book is no good. Too many times I had to stop reading the book and flip to the glossary and see what that word meant. Just because it’s a science fiction book set on different planets doesn’t mean you have to give the story it’s own language and religon.
The dune books after this are even worse and very very pathetic.
The only good books in this whole series is this book and the four prequels before it. They are done by his son and kevin anderson. They are MUCH better writers than frank herbert. You read the prequels and you never get bored once. The stories are fast paced, action packed, wheel within wheels plot, and contain just the right mind of detail.
All in all, this is a good book but not great. It’s overrated and the fact that it’s the best selling science fiction book of all time is a sad outlook on readers. You want to know why books get a bad name? Because books like this exists. Please, check out the four before it but anything else in the dune series is [bad].
It’s sad that dune fans are so immature. They think that because this book is considered a masterpiece, that everyone should like it! BUZZ! WRONG!
Excuse me. I need to go toss out my Frank Herbert collection. He is an extremely horrible writer, after all.
Jamgrrl, that unawareness of timescales is a theme throughout. I loved the person who lambasted Casablanca as ‘cliched’ because a lot of films coming since have been similar. It’s rather akin to calling the Rolling Stones a bad Guns and Roses rip-off.
/sarcasm
Hmmm…I don’t understand this book so…the book must suck…yeah, that’s it.
I’m not dumb.
I’m a supergenius.
So the book MUST suck.
/sarcasm
Incidentally, I think Frank Herbert is an excellent writer and his son is a no-talent twit whose writing was so painfully poor that neither I nor my brother could finish the first prequel to Dune.
And I have also read many, many books in my more than 20 years on this earth (as opposed to the other earth where all these 1 star reviewers live). ;)
supergenius . . . you’re in good company with your thoughts on the Dune Prequels. Brian Herbert is gravy training on his father’s name. If he had half the talent . . . you know where this is going, so I won’t go any further. Accurate summation of the 1 star capsules. But it didn’t take a supergenius to figure it out, now did it? = ;)
I think my favorite was this refering to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon
“Britney will be criticized now, but she will be around forever and follow the path of the total musical genius Madonna. ”
Bwahahahahahaha
I think I wet myself.
In fairness to some of these guys, a lot of classic sci-fi, while interesting on any number of other levels, really *is* rather badly written. Anyone who gives Phillip K. Dick one star is off his nut, but on the other hand, anyone who wants to tell me he’s a great prose stylist is living on some other plane of reality.
I have not been this amused in quite a long time. Now I have a question. After picking on all these 1-star review dimbulbs and nitwits. . . now that we’ve firmly established our superiority over them. . . are we certifiable snobs?
Perhaps my overuse of the ellipses makes me a snob. . .
. . .
I want a Certified Snob certificate.
. . . what’s wrong with ellipses . . . I never use them . . . I am a snob, too . . . I guess . . .
= :)