TheAgitator.com
Post-Reductio America
Saturday, March 6th, 2004I’ve been saying for months now that the next deep-pocketed demon the nannies and trial lawyers will set their sights on will be caffeine. Coming soon: scare-headlines, junk science studies about the deleterious effects of the drug, and stories about the cruel indifference of Big Coffee. Then, the inevitable tort suits against Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Juan Valdez.
Enter Nebraska Gov. Mike Johanns, who has declared March “Caffeine Awareness Month.” The acompanying press release warns that the drug can lead to “headaches, jitteriness, irritability, difficulties in concentration, mood swings and other maladies.”
Yeah? You should see me without my morning coffee.
Note that the champion of the declaration quoted in the article is founder of a company called Soy Coffee, LLC.
If you want my morning coffee, governor, you’re gonna have to come and pry it from my dehydrated, jittery hands.
I agree with you WHOLEHEARTEDLY.
However, we have a way to fight back.
Remember the evil NY State campaign against smoking in the name of waitresses “who can’t avoid smoke in the work place” (having never known a waitress who didn’t smoke I thought this was a tad odd, but there you have it).
Forcing waitresses to carry 2 pots around the restaurant all the time OBVIOUSLY causes repetitive stress injury.
The anti-caffeine argument has already been raised by sugar-hating soda opponents. Colas do contain caffeine, after all, which means it must be banned from high schools.
I’ve found something else that causes “headaches, jitteriness, irritability, difficulties in concentration, mood swings and other maladies” for me, that is reading about the actions of nannyist state and federal officials.
I have no problem with wanting to educate people on factually proven adverse health issues associated with a product. Unfortunately, it seldom ends with simply raising awareness, and in this case the facts don’t support Johanns’ point.
I would suggest that perhaps March should instead serve as Nanny State Awareness Month, though June might actually be more appropriate.
Excuse me while I go raise my caffeine awareness with another cup.
The Health-Nazis Strike Again
They’ve already gone after Big Tobacco, Big Gun, and Big Alcohol. Recently they’ve started going after Big Fat.
If our public officials really want to be useful, they should ban “soy coffee.” What the hell is “soy coffee”? I’m quite sure I would rather die than drink it.
I’m glad that Nebraska is doing so well. After all when the leader of a state can devote time to such an issue, whether you feel it’s right or wrong, you have to appreciate that he/she has fixed all the other more pressing issues.
I WISH caffeine worked on me.
You fuckers don’t know how lucky you are.
I buy caffeine free soda whenever its the same price, because 1) it doesn’t do anything for me. 2) it’s odorless and tasteless. and 3) it’s a diuretic, and I already piss on a tight schedule of every hour on the hour.
Amen, Frank N. Hey that rhymes.
I dont drink coffee much. I will drink a cup occasionally as long as I have access to a straw. But I pop caffeine pills with my ephedrine 3-4 times per day. The stuff is great.
They’ll have to pry my coffee mug from my cold, dead hands
This is a case for the ACLU! Juan Valdez is a prime candidate for a class action suit. He is Columbian, he doesn’t live or work in the US. Do we pay him a farm subsidy? If not. Why not?
He bags the coffee in 120lb bags made of burlap that comes from the hemp plant. So what else is illegal?
Go F*ck Yourself Awareness Month
That’s my response to “Caffeine Awareness Month.” My office has a special coffee run everyday. While I personally have been trying to reduce the role of caffeine in my life, it’s because I made the decision. I know that if
caffeine free workplaces … how productive!
Why don’t we ban the sun? Damned thing got me addicted to Vitamin D.
Boston Coffee Party
Coffee played a role in the American Revolution.
Allow me to introduce the cold voice of the cynic. Just as smoking was shuffled off and out of the public light, so will caffeine sooner or later. It’s only a matter of time. Sitting around seeing a small minority of people control the lives of the majority with their lawsuits and protests and insanity, i’ve come to realize it. Can we stop it? sure we could, but nobody is willing to go to the measures it would take. violence is an underrated tool and when you take it away all you got left is talking and lawsuits. you see where THOSE have gotten us. i’m not talking rioting like a bunch of jackass college students, i’m talking about concentrated and controlled acts that let specific people who want to get rid of the freedoms of others that they’re going to have to do more than file a legal brief to do it.
but like i said, we aren’t willing to go there. we’ve all been dumbed down into believing violence doesn’t solve anything. so enjoy your caffiene while you can and enjoy the smokes that you have to smoke from the quarentine zones we’re confined to.
Second Punk, Zhora Chase Scene, Blade Runner – that is, by far, the BEST screen name I have ever seen.
It’s like in that movie – Demolition Man…
“Anything that is not GOOD for you is considered BAD and therefore illegal.”
Only, in the movie it was funny.
You want to know what will be next?
Spicy food.
That’s right, but they’ll never find my stash of Jalapenos, heh heh heh …
As I appreciatively sip my warm and slightly sweet morning coffee, I protest.
As someone who lives in the great nanny state of Nebraska I am very aware of Caffeine. I hope that is all Govenor Mike wants because he is not going to take my diet Mountain Dew away from me.
thety`ll never make coffee illegal. They`ll just sue the manufacturers over and over again until they find a jury that agrees with them, get a multi billion dollar judgement against the industry who will pass it on to consumers in the form of a huge price increase and the poorest segmant of our society can pick up the tab. Wait, haven`t I seen this before? Is it any wonder that we keep electing trial lawyers and their enablers to high office, their so smart.
they`ll
Jimmy raises a valid point. If the current litigation trends continue, those who advocate individual rights will be forced to consider violence as a means of self-defense. It may not be P.C. to say this, but the trial lawyers who organize these lifestyle-choice lawsuits are, in fact, terrorists. That doesn’t mean they’re al-Qaeda; like Dante’s circles of Hell, there are different grades of terrorism. The term itself refers to the systematic use of violence to control a population’s actions, thinking, or emotions. The courts are a form of force, albeit a legal and necessary one. After all, an airplane is not intrinsically a weapon until it is used as such. The same is true of the court system.
When yous switch to decaf, you let the terrorists win.
Allow me to raise my mug o’ dark roast java (black, no sugar, thank you) to my fellow coffee drinkers.
Screw you, nanny goats!
Catching Up
“Let’s see here,” he said, ruffling through papers (actually it was clicking on links in his Favorites menu), “what’s been going on while I’ve been away? “Hmm … Matthew Yglesias says something sensible about the assault weapons ban. Let’s hope
the drums of revolt beat in the distance…
Whimps!
I’ve been caffine free (by choice) since Labor Day weekend of last year.
It is actually a funny story. I had nothing but water and beer all weekend. So I was drunk thru the caffine withdrawal.
Tuesday morning I got ready to drink my Diet Coke and realized this. So I passed just to see how long I could go without caffine. Been caffine-free since.
I’ve noticed that I can get by with MUCH less sleep and still feel fine.
Awww Hell another ammendment.
Congress shal not pass any law yada yada yada.
If I were a Nebraskan, I’d be very disturbed that my Governor actually takes time to come up with idiotic crap like this and turn it into an ‘issue’. This is idiotic in the extreme, I can’t think of a LESS topical issue to spend time on.
Check out Sheila Jackson Lee, sorry rep from Houston who supports a bill that would have more hurricanes named after African-American names??? OF course this is discrimination, naming them all-white names, and we just can’t have that.
. . . because only white people are named Gabriel or Andrew.
Riiiiiight.
Rep. Lee deserved an asinine award for that one. It was a couple of years ago when she popped up with this bright idea, wasn’t? Please tell me she hasn’t garnered much support.
Please.
And I’d just like to add (hi, Lee) that I can give up caffeine, too. I’ve done it for years at a stretch.
Thing is, I LIKE it. Therefore, I DRINK it.
:-P
When yous switch to decaf, you let the terrorists win.
Brooke- that’s funny stuff.
-
I gave up caffeine for awhile but my coke habit got pricey.
I can see it now . . .
After the guy says, “First, they came for the child-rapists…”
“Yeah, and then they torched the Columbian fields.”
“That’s right. You can’t get coke any more.”
“No. Coffee.”
“What is this coffee you speak of?”
“It was a carbonated, cold drink that had cocaine it.”
Maybe I’ll lighten up on my NAMBLA position . . .
Drink tea folks. It’s nice and it’s from India. On the other hand, Indis makes a lot of coffee too . . .
I’ve quit coffee with the help of soyfee. I googled “soy coffee” and found the website. I was a bit skeptical but decided to give it a try. It tasted great and I can even drink it in the evening. I never drink coffee at night. You can find them at http://www.soycoffee.com
Goddammit: with the LSD market gone to hell the way it has, the judicious user had to put coffee and cigarettes to work in the breach.
It’s not enough that they fool around with my money. No: they just have to start dithering with my chemistry, too.
“How long, oh Lord? How long?”
How about a “Dumb Politician Awareness Month”?