Welcome! Glad you could make it tonight, after the original ceremony was postponed due to my laziness. You all look resplendent. Was that Paris Hilton arriving with Jim Henley?

We’ve grown a lot in the last year. I’m pleased to announce that we are now popular enough to have attracted a musical guest. John Oates will be performing tonight. Also, if there’s time, Robert Goulet. Unfortunately, my hopes to have Peter Scolari share hosting duties fell short. He had other plans. French Stewart was available. As was Gilbert Gottfried. But I declined. We have some dignity, here. So it will just be me. With jokes by Bruce Vilanch.

On with the awards…

Agity Man of the Year
Opus.

Agity Woman of the Year
D.C. Councilwoman Carol Schwartz.

Agity Disappointment of the Year
George W. Bush. He’s very close to a “lifetime achievement award” in this category. Bad on trade. Bad on regulation. Bad on spending. Bad on education. Bad on campaign finance. Bad on entitlement growth. Bad on civil liberties. And I haven’t even touched his “humble,” “no nation-building” foreign policy.
Runners-Up: Howard Dean. The “maybe I’ll vote for him” anti-war, gays, guns and fiscal responsibility governor has morphed into a pro-every-war-except-Iraq, pro drug war, big-spending, re-regulating, tax-cut revoker who found Jesus just in time for the South Carolina primary. Ugh.
Ryan Adams. Released three albums in 2003, all of them crap.

Agity Villain of the Year
The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.
Runners-Up:
McCain and Feingold. Leo Strauss. Entitlement-minded Baby Boomers.

Agity Villainess of the Year
D.C. Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton, for continuing to oppose vouchers in D.C., and fight them tooth and nail, thus keeping the unions in control of the woeful education offered to D.C.’s kids, despite that the District has the worst schools in the country, spends the most per pupil of any major city in the country, that the teacher’s unions have faced repeated scandals involving the pilfering of public and union funds, and that the mayor, superintendant of schools and the Washington Post support the plan.

Agity Unintentional Humor Award
Emily Cochran.

Agity Conservative Who Makes Lots of Sense Award
Ramesh Ponnuru.

Agity Liberal Who Makes Lots of Sense Award
Michael Kinsley.

Agity Movie of the Year
Lost in Translation.
Runners-Up: The Station Agent. Master and Commander. A Mighty Wind.

Agity Actors of the Year
Tie: Bill Murray and Peter Dinklage.

Agity Vixen of the Year
Jennifer Eccleston.

Agity Lunchmate of the Year
Ann Coulter.

Agity Ann Coulter Nickname of the Year
MoDoCon (as in, “conservative Maureen Dowd,” courtesy of Juilan Sanchez).
Runner-Up: Shrill Blonde Harpy.

Agity Fringebaiting Award
Andrew Sullivan.
Runner-Up: John Hawkins.

Agity “Silly Fundamentalist Alabama Policitian Award” (Judicial Branch Division).
Judge Roy Moore

Agity “Silly Fundamentalist Alabama Politician Award” (Executvie Branch Division)
Governor Bob Riley

Agity Best Magazine Award
The Atlantic Monthly
Runners-Up: Reason, Wired, the New Yorker.

Agity Overblown Internet Scandal Award
Tech Central Station — DCI.
Runner-Up: Gregg Easterbrook.

Agity “Methinks Thou Doest Protest Too Much” Award
Stanley Kurtz, who fears his swingin’ neighbors may tempt him.
Runner-Up:James N. Markels, who does not blog.

Agity “Libertarianism Is Just a Silly Religion” Award
Bob Kuttner
Runner-Up: Al Giordano.

Agity Best Television Award
Six Feet Under
Runners-Up: Reno 911, The Daily Show, Da Ali G Show.

Agity Opinion Columnist of the Year
Robert Samuelson.
Runners-Up: Michael Kinsley. Anne Applebaum.

Agity Nanny of the Year
Michael Jacobson.
Runner-Up: Joe Lieberman.

Agity Overused Word Award
“Metrosexual.”
Runners-Up: “Grok.” “Slog.”

Agity Favorite 2003 Debut Blog
Marginal Revolution.
Runner-Up: The Adam Smith Institute blog.

Agity Good Samaritan Award (Happy Division)
Maurice Cheeks.

Agity Good Samaritan Award (Sad Division)
Clifford Coats.

Agity B-List Celebrity Oddball Award
Jason Lee, who named his new, likely to be troubled son “Pilot Inspektor.”

Agity Pathetic Politicians Attempting To Be Hip Award
Tie: Wesey Clark for incessantly quoting Outkast, and Howard Dean, for repeatedly referencing Wyclef on the campaign trail. Nobody’s buying it, fellas.

Agity Ah-Nold Quote of the Year
“I think gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.
Runner-Up: “I don’t understand how they can call me anti-Latino, when I’ve made four movies in Mexico.”

Agity Politician Quote of the Year
“[We] need to set definite boundaries on our appetites” — William “One Arm” Bennett.
Runner-Up: “I have an election in 2000. Then we’ll worry about good government.” — Sen. Trent Lott, quoted in the new book Breach of Trust by former Congressman Tom Coburn, a Republican who got the response from Lott when he asked the then-majority leader to cut back on federal spending.

Agity Smug Comedian Who Was Once Funny But Now Takes Himself Far Too Seriously Award (pro-war with Iraq division)
Dennis Miller

Agity Smug Comedian Who Was Once Funny But Now Takes Himself Far Too Seriously Award (anti-war with Iraq division)
Bill Maher.

Agity Comments Section Lifetime Achievement Award
Frank N.

Agity Overlooked 2003 Obituary Award
Charlie Douglass, inventor of the sitcom laugh track.
Runner-Up: Jane Barbe. Telephone voice legend. Best known as the lady who says, “At the tone, the time will be….”

Agity “Sadly, No Longer With Us” Award
Johnny Cash.
Runners-Up: Gregory Peck, Elia Kazan, George Plimpton, John Ritter, Warren Zevon, Dr. Robert Atkins, Nina Simone, Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Michael Kelly.

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 3rd, 2004 at 12:37 pm by Radley Balko and is filed under Nanny State, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.