TheAgitator.com
Thirsty in the Desert
Wednesday, October 1st, 2003Another reason I’ve been known to waver on my Texas pride: it’s hard to get a drink sometimes. You wouldn’t think so, would you? But as the NY Times covers today in bizarre detail, Texas’ mish-mash of old liquor laws makes Connecticut blue laws seem positively sensible. For example:
-State records list 51 of Texas’ 254 counties as entirely dry. Until 1972, you could not legally buy mixed drinks anywhere in Texas.
-The difference between wet or dry in [Dallas suburb] Plano can come down to feet, or inches. A Hooters restaurant that went up here several years ago turned out to be too close to a church to sell alcohol. It reconfigured its front door â?? and came into compliance.
-At a popular restaurant, Love and War in Texas, patrons who wish to order beer or wine or a mixed drink are carded and given an “Application for Preliminary Membership.” Signing it enrolls one, free, in the ad hoc club. If several patrons share a table, the first who signs is presumed to be the “member” and can order drinks for the others, who need not sign. But the host remains technically responsible for the check.
The “private clubs” are also not allowed to have liquor delivered to their businesses–they have to go pick it up themselves.
Having once applied for a “membership” at one of these places, I can recall wondering what my name and address had to do with my wish for a beer. Invasive? You bet. And given that I was only nineteen anyway, creating a scene about my privacy was certainly more dignified than subjecting my poorly constructed fake ID to restaurant management scrutiny.
Another example of bizarre and confusing liquor rules: at a restaurant where I used to work in Dallas, we couldn’t serve alcohol before 10am on Sundays and between 10am and 12pm, you couldn’t serve alcohol unless there was food on the table. So if you wanted to enjoy a famous Ozona bloody mary and read the paper, you’d have to have a side of toast or something on the table as well. That’s crazy–you’re not even hungry! I say if a restaurant wants to be known as a place where drunks hang out on Sunday morning, more power to ‘em.
It sounds from the NYT article that there’s momentum for change, but it seems as poorly organized and held together as the alcohol codes themselves (which currently amount to 251 pages). One Dallas Morning News columnist pointed out a few weeks ago that the rules are so bizarre and random that even the state of Texas doesn’t maintain a current map of which areas fall where on the super-confusing 10 level spectrum of wet to dry. As quoted in the Times article, Lou Bright, general counsel of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said Texas law was “as complicated as we could make it.” Having spent a couple of minutes on the TABC regulatory page, I can almost picture him having smirked when he said it in a manner reminiscent of a certain Texan I know in the White House.
(As an aside, when I was 18 I took my TABC certification class in a strip club called The Fare. It was the law.)
But there’s a glimmer of hope that businesses, the most obvious victims of such asinine and archaic regulations, will work together to change the conditions that confuse locals and confound 19 year olds trying to enjoy a damn beer. Right now in Plano they’re working towards “standardization” of the rules with a possible vote in February, but I personally would just as soon see them all done away with. But absent that, recently passed legislation, at least, makes it easier for petitioners to initiate elections to change the rules on a community level, which is where decisions like this can most legitimately be made.
So, you took a test at a strip club? What were you wearing? Please be as descriptive as possible.
Um, ew. My parents read this, dude.
What makes you think I’m a dude? That’s very sexist of you. Never mind, the fantasy is ruined. I imagined you as free and open, now I see you are more or less a Republican. Good luck with your missionary position life-style.
Oh fine, I’m sorry, I’ll indulge. I was wearing a jcrew sweater set in heather gray, some high waist pleated khaki’s from ann taylor, penny loafers, and trouser socks with kittens on them.
jeez, I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was repressed for keeping that to myself.
The problem with Texas is that it was run by Democrats for way too long.
Having lived in Texas my entire life, I think that we should adopt the following slogan to promote tourism: “Where the Strip Clubs Are Close to the Churches”.
I had a bad experience with dry counties while trying to re-stock on beer for a road trip out to Abilene. Our carload stopped at a convenience store in one of those single-flashing-yellow-light towns, only to be informed that we were in a dry county. To paraphrase my Belushi-esque friend: “Is this some kind of f*cking joke?”
yes, its a labyrinth down here in the heart of texas. a lot of the laws are dated to when a section of the state was colonized by mostly baptists, or some other group. I single out baptists because of there public rejection of intoxicating beverages. they are quite prevelent down here. however, if you go to central texas where a lot of germans settled, their motto is, “if you can walk, you can drink.” oh by the way, i’ve been to the fare, and that’s not what you were wearing. for those of you interested, the fare was one of those place the girls could touch you because it wasn’t technically a topless club. they had liquid latex positioned just so.
Geez, Brooke, you obviously are repressed if you won’t pander to some person trolling the libertarian blogs looking for hot chicks on the Internet.
And here I was thinking that you were cool. Sheesh.
Another oddity- You know those little hotel wet bar/airplane sized liquor bottles, the little one sippers. Well, in Texas, in a liquor store, you canâ??t buy just one. You have to purchase two or more.
Speaking of oddities:
- Back before the imperial federal government made it 21 for everybody, in some states you could buy beer or wine at 18, but had to be 21 to buy “hard liquor”
- Pennsylvania, where you can buy a case of beer, but can only carry it out two six-packs at a time
- Ohio and it’s “Sunday sales” laws. It boggles my mind how two identical stores, across the street from each other that are allowed to sell beer, but only one can sell on Sunday.
Slotman
New to the libretarian thing so a question arises. Wouldn’t a town / county have the right to outlaw liquor if the voters wished it? Isn’t it one of those rights not specifically given to the federal govt. and thus to the state? Not trying to be provocative, just curious.
Fare East or Fare West (on NW Hwy).
: )
In reference to the comment about minis (wet bar/airline bottles), it is illegal to sell less than 100 mL of alcohol in the state of Texas. The minis typically have only 50 mL, although things like Vox or Baileys are 100 mL. In short, a liquor store cannot sell you less than a shot.
I know what you mean. I used to work & play in Plano, but after having to deal with the “unicard” thing, I jumped ship & started tending bar in Frisco, which is a lot more lenient & doesn’t require a “membership” *cough*extortion*cough*.
I live in McKinney though, so I still can’t buy a twelver at the store next to my place, but I can buy shots of whatever up at the restuarant right next to it.
Friday was my drink buying day & I had a bottle of Jager, Malibu, Crown, Jack & Bacardi in the trunk & the grocery store was having a deal where you could buy up to two 18 packs for $10. I found out yesterday that if I’d been pulled over in McKinney that I could been arrested for “intent to distribute in a dry city”. Anything over a 24 pack falls under this catagory. Man alive, when a dude’s gotta drive to 2 or 3 citys over to buy some drinkss for the house, you gotta buy in bulk. If nothing else than to save on the gas.
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