You’re probably wondering why I’m wearing a tuxedo right now. Well, I was inspired by Andrew Sullivan’s year-end awards (though I didn’t agree with most of them), and anxiously waiting for Jim Henley’s. So in the ‘tween time, I came up with my own. The Agities! So if you don’t mind, we’ll skip the grand, musical show-opener (believe me, you don’t want to hear me sing), and get right down to business.

Here we go….

Agity Man of the Year:
Tiger Woods, for reasons explained here.

Agity Woman of the Year:
Condi Rice, early Agitator.com endorsee for U.S. president, 2008.

Agity Disappointment of the Year:
George W. Bush. Made every possible incorrect decision on free trade. Sent armed federal thugs into convalescent centers in California to harass terminally ill marijuana users. Sent John Ashcroft after teriminally ill people in Oregon who wish to end their own lives. Signed into law a campaign finance bill he admitted he thought was “unconstitutional,” despite taking an oath to “uphold and defend the constitution.” Caved on school choice and farm subsidies. Has commited to a 20+ year nation-building project in Iraq, despite a campaign pledge to forgo nation-building.
Runner-up: Jesse Ventura. Abandoned any quasi-libertarian policies he may have supported once he took office.

Agity Villain of the Year:
Ret. Admiral John Poindexter. D.C.’s tradition of “failing upward” continues. Break the law, lie to congress, win access to the initimate life details of every living American!

Agity Villainess of the Year:
Calvina Fay. Threatened your humble Agitator with a libel lawsuit. Attempted to get your humble Agitator fired from his FoxNews.com columnist gig. Heads most virulent anti-drug organization in the country. Suppresses attempts to publicize the stories of hundreds of kids abused at the hands of said anti-drug organization’s forbear, Straight, Inc. Attempted to get the medical license revoked from a professor who advocated medicinal marijuana. Calvina’s prize — an Agitator.com thong – is in the mail. Evil, evil wench.

Agity Villainous Couple of the Year:
Mel and Betty Sembler. Read.

Agity Villainous Politician of the Year:
Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Col.), for attempting to rip apart a family by deporting an honor student smuggled into the country from Mexico by his mother many, many years ago.

Agity Villainous “Lifetime Achievement” Award:
The Church of Scientology.

Agity Hero of the Year:
Ex-Arizona Cardinals linebacker Pat Tillman, who eschewed the life of an NFL star for U.S. military service after September 11.

Agity Hero of the Year (politician division):
Outgoing New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson. The highest elected official yet to come out in favor of drug decriminalization. Replaced by Bill Richardson. Too bad, New Mexico.

Agity Hero of the Year (web division):
Wes Fager, for his tireless efforts to bring the Straight, Inc. story to the public.

Agity Faux-Hero of the Year:
Chief Charles Moose, for bumbling his way to celebrity.

Agity Faux-Villain of the Year:
Steve Earle. Come on, kids. Jane Fonda he ain’t.

Agity Sportsman of the Year:
Lance Armstrong. The picture of drive and heart. And he’s a Hoosier alum!

Agity Unappreciated Sportsman of the Year:
Marvin Harrison. Say it with me: M-V-P. M-V-P.

Agity Overappreciated Sportsman of the Year:
Michael Jordan. Wizards years = bad mistake. But spring training’s just around the corner.

Agity Great Reason to Still Watch the NBA Award:
Mark Cuban, Steve Nash and the Dallas Mavericks.
Runner-up: Yao Ming.

Agity Funny Hoosier of the Year:
David Letterman. He’s still got it.
Runner-up: Andy Richter. In a just reality, he would control the universe.

Agity “Lock the Door Once I’m In” Award:
Taki, the Greek immigrant who hates immigrants (but had the good sense to choose an appropriate nickname).
Runner-up: National Review’s British immigrant John Derbyshire, for the same reason.

Agity “Dewey Defeats Truman” Award:
Fancis Fukuyama, for prematurely proclaiming “the death of libertarianism” on the op-ed pages of the Wall Street Journal.

Agity “We Won’t Miss You” Award:
Cynthia McKinney.
Runner-up: Trent Lott.

Agity “Sadly, No Longer With Us” Award:
Robert Nozick.
Runners-up: Waylon Jennings, Lionel Hampton, Joe Strummer, Linda Lovelace, Dee Dee Ramone, Free-Market.net, the three Clarendon-area Dunkin’ Donuts.

Agity “Sadly, Still With Us” Award:
Ann Coulter.
Runners-up: Michael Moore, Michael Savage, Vince McMahon, Fred Durst and the awful music he spawned, The American Conservative magazine, reality TV.

Agity Vixen of the Year:
Kirsten Dunst. Wet, upside down tongue kisses? Dee-lish.
Runners-up: Katie Holmes, Fox News’ Lorie “Pillow Lips” Dhue, rising country star Kasey Chambers.

Agity “I Told You So” Award:
Dr. Robert Atkins.
Runner-up: Agity!

Agity Tired Do-Gooder Catchphrase of the Year:
“Corporate Responsibility/Corporate Governance.”

Agity Self-Aware, Narcissism Award:
Blogs.
Runner-up: Congress.

Agity Album of the Year
A Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay.
Runner-up that didn’t make my original “Best Albums of 2002″ list: When I Was Cruel, Elvis Costello.

Agity Overhyped Album of the Year
Sea Change, Beck.

Agity TV Show of the Year:
The Sopranos.
Runners-up: Six Feet Under, Trigger-Happy TV, Everybody Loves Raymond.

Agity Overhyped TV Show of the Year:
The West Wing.
Runner-up: Sex and the City.

Agity Movie the Year:
The Road to Perdition (didn’t see many movies this year).
Runner-up: Minority Report.

Agity Best DVD Rental of the Year:
The Larry Sanders’ Show — The First Season.

Agity Worst DVD Rental of the Year:
Mullholand Drive.

Agity TV Guilty Pleasure Award:
“Friends.”
Runner up: Sponge Bob.

Agity TV Guilty Pleasure Award (women’s division):
Law and Order (reruns only).

Agity Website of the Year:
Real Ultimate Power.

Agity Angriest Website of the Year:
LewRockwell.com

Agity Best Place to Waste Time Website:
What’s Better?

Agity “Best Writer for the Web” Award (non-blog division):
William Seletan.
Runner-up: Mark Steyn.

Agity “Best Writer for the Web” Award (blog division):
James Lileks.
Runner-up:It’s a long way down to #2.

Agity “Funniest Writer for the Web” Award (non-blog division):
Bill Simmons.

Agity “Funniest Writer for the Web” Award (blog division):
Neal Pollack.

Agity Web Business of the Year:
Netflix.

Agity “Look at the Hypocrites A-Turnin’ Back” Award:
The Rev. Pat Robertson.
Runner-up: Dr. Laura.

Agity “Find a Hobby” Award:
Martha Burk.
Runners-up: Anti-globalization protesters.

Agity “Get Over Yourself” Award:
Bono.
Runner-up: Senator Handsome.

Agity Most Bizarre Case of an Old TheAgitator.com Post That Still Regularly Collects Comments Award:
Ill Mitch.
Runner-up:I Hate the Lakers.

Agity Comments Section All-Star Awards:
Brian, Angie, Bryan, BKieffer, Frank N, Julie, Dan, Chip Taylor, Jill S., Joe Simms, Jim M, Paul.

You’ve been a great audience. Now, let’s hit those swanky post-Agity parties. Where’s Kirsten Dunst?

This entry was posted on Monday, December 30th, 2002 at 5:37 pm by Radley Balko and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.